Your Official, Genuine, For Real Up-To-Date 2012 Presidential Poll

With only two days to go before the Presidential Election Day, all eyes are on the polls as people search for the answers to the important questions. Who will have the chance to guide the United States into the coming apocalyptic future? Who will become the answer to a trivia question about former presidential candidates? […]

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For Those Of You Who Missed The Debate

Tonight marked the second debate between President Barack Obama and Mitt Romney, his opponent in this presidential race. While voting is an important civic duty, I realize that some people might have been busy and unable to watch the debate. Fortunately, I have your back. I watched the debate this evening and have provided a […]

Obama or Romney: Who Should Get a Shot at Destroying America?

As an unaffiliated, independent voter, it is a very confusing time for me. The 2012 presidential election is here and I am being pulled in two different directions. On the one hand, I have Barack Obama, our current president who came into office with big plans to fix the country. On the other hand, I have […]

Politicians Made Victims of Media’s Heinous Plot to Use Facts Against Them

There was a time in our history when journalism was conscientious. The media had a responsibility to report facts and sensationalizing of a story was left to the likes of scumbags and muckrakers like William Randolph Hearst. Slowly, though, Hearstian reporting took over. Now you cannot turn on the TV without hearing some knucklehead making a […]

Hit Me Up, Romney. Your Future VP is Here…

Dear Mitt Romney, With the election just four months away, its time to pick your vice president. I have heard a lot of names thrown around like Paul Ryan (No good. Two first names.), David Petraeus (Serious danger of misspelling last name on campaign materials), and Chris Christy (Sounds like a superhero alter ego) amongst […]

A Letter To Mitt Romney

Dear Mitt Romney, I want to start things off by saying congratulations to you. You are now officially the Republican presidential candidate! By earning the Republican nomination for president, you have joined the illustrious ranks of former nominees such as Alf Landon, Wendell Willkie, John C. Fremont, and Thomas E. Dewey. Clearly, with this nomination, […]

This Day Will Live in Anonymity

It is now 9:15 p.m. 15 hours ago, I was getting out of bed. I took a shower, brushed my teeth, put on some deodorant. After my morning destinking, I got prepared for another day of work. In between then and now, though, nothing happened. I don’t know how you can go a full 15 […]

Your Guide to Super Tuesday Elections

All across America, the energy is palpable. There is electricity in the air. Metaphorically, of course, because if there was literally electricity in the air, we would all be wearing rubber suits to avoid death. As I’m typing this, I can barely get the words out. I am so excited, my hands are trembling. IT’S […]

RU SRS?: The English Language is Dead

There is no way to turn on the news now without hearing about the presidential race. We are inundated with information about Newt Gingrich being a sleazy swinger, Mitt Romney flip-flopping, Ron Paul being borderline insane and the other candidates being uninteresting, but at the very least, living human beings. They are all campaigning on […]

Mitt Romney Speaks French, Hates America

Warning: The following is to be read in a sarcastic tone. If you at any point in time find yourself agreeing with anything written here, please go sit in a dark room and think long and hard about your life. Just like most of America, I have been eagerly awaiting the 2012 presidential election. Our […]