A Letter To Mitt Romney

Dear Mitt Romney,

I want to start things off by saying congratulations to you. You are now officially the Republican presidential candidate! By earning the Republican nomination for president, you have joined the illustrious ranks of former nominees such as Alf Landon, Wendell Willkie, John C. Fremont, and Thomas E. Dewey. Clearly, with this nomination, you will never be forgotten.

Now it’s time to set your sights on the White House. You can leave behind the four ring circus act that was the Republican debates. Now you get to move on to the even bigger four ring circus for the White House.

If you would like to win, though, you will have to be very smart. One single mistake can haunt you for the rest of your campaign. Unfortunately for you, this advice seems to not have reached you in time.

Just days ago, your campaign unveiled an iPhone app. This, in itself, was a very good move. Kids these days are all about iPhoning with their friends and getting onto that Tweeter machine. If you want to reach the younger vote, an app is a great idea, particularly if the app shoots furious birds at little green pigs.

There was just one teeny little problem. It’s not a huge deal. You didn’t cause thousands of people to have seizures or anything like that. Since I know one of your top priorities is to not cause any seizures with your campaign, I thought you would be relieved to hear that.

The issue is one of a simpler nature. You guys misspelled “America.”

Now, I totally get it. The word is a bit weird. I mean, it has an “A” at the beginning AND the end? What is this, vowel-mania? Am I right?

Still, though, it seems that maybe if you are attempting to become the leader of a country, you might want to double, heck, even triple check the spelling of that country’s name.

I think there will be a lot of issues for people voting for you. I for one would be concerned that we would be the laughing-stock of all the other countries if you showed up to an international meeting, looked at the place card that said “United States of America” and then passed by to find the “United States of Amercia” card. I can hear it now:

“Hey, Egypt! Look at stupid America!”

“Yeah, I know, Belgium! They totally don’t even know their own country’s name! And they wonder why they never get invited to our international pizza parties!”

“Hey, Egypt, Belgium! Did you see America!”

“We sure did Russia!”

That is how alliances against us get started. First it’s laughing at America, then they all sign a treaty. Pretty soon, we’re in a gigantic war all because they thought it was so funny that our government didn’t know how to spell our country’s name.

Of course, I could be worried for no reason. Maybe this is all a campaign strategy. Maybe you set it up for a new ad that says “Barack Obama wants to change America. Mitt Romney just wants to change its name!” If that is the case, I would urge you to stop as this seems like the worst campaigning idea I have ever heard.

I wish you all the best, Mitt. I really do. You seem like a nice man to have a round of polo with or perhaps split a nice truffle and caviar sandwich on whole wheat toast. You might want to get some sort of spelling expert, though.

Maybe watch for the winner of the Scripps National Spelling Bee this week. Those kids are crazy good spellers.




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