Hit Me Up, Romney. Your Future VP is Here…

Mitt Romney, former governor of Massachusetts,...

My future running mate (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Dear Mitt Romney,

With the election just four months away, its time to pick your vice president. I have heard a lot of names thrown around like Paul Ryan (No good. Two first names.), David Petraeus (Serious danger of misspelling last name on campaign materials), and Chris Christy (Sounds like a superhero alter ego) amongst others. You seem to be missing out on the obvious choice.


I have never been a huge Republican, but let me tell you, I will immediately sell out for the vice presidency. I mean, the VP gets $230,000 A YEAR! How could I turn that down?

There are several reasons I would make a great vice president. To start with the obvious one, I am available. If you were to call me and ask me, I would drop everything and jump on a bus to the nearest state fair. I would willing kiss babies (assuming they aren’t too sticky) and eat deep-fried tempura-battered salt water taffy on a stick or whatever that state fair deems to be food.

Even more than being available though, I feel that I would do a great job as vice president. A majority of being a vice president involves waiting for the real president to die. I am a great waiter. I wait like nobody else. If you think I am exaggerating for the sake of earning this job, I assure you I am a very patient person. In fact, I am sitting at my computer right now, waiting for your message, Romney. No rush, though. I can wait.

The other part of the job, as far as I can tell, is doing things that the president does not want to do. Let’s just pretend that you are invited to a very important event. We will say it is one of Barney Frank’s famous fondue parties. Now, you would have no interest in attending this. Everyone knows Mormons hate melted cheese.*

Since you do not want to go, all you have to do to get out of this is shoot the following text to me:

“B Franks fondue partay 2nite. No thnx. U in?”

I will immediately head to that party and enjoy all of the cheese I can eat. Since I am your right hand man, it is like you were there without you ever actually having to walk through the door.

As far as campaigning goes, you need a person who can debate. Let me tell you, I am an excellent debater. It would go something like this:

Moderator: Candidate Badley, please explain your view on foreign policy.
Nathan: Barack Obama is evil and Mitt Romney is a neat fellow. Also Joe Biden wants to bomb Antarctica just to kill all of the penguins.

No one would argue with that.

For campaign purposes, I will give you a quick run down of my political beliefs:

War: Decent band. “Low Rider” was pretty good.

Renewable energy: Rechargeable batteries are convenient but I will inevitably forget to charge them.

Military spending: We should allocate funds to redesign our uniforms. That camouflage isn’t fooling anyone.

Education: I’m for it.

Gay marriage: I think it could maybe not not be a greatly unterrible thing to consider the possibility that maybe possibly this could be a thing that might not be ungood for the country.

So get back to me, Mitt. I will be patiently waiting. You know, because I am good at that.

Your future vice president,


*In effort to create new stereotypes, I would like to propose that all Mormons hate melted cheese. I have never seen a Mormon eat melted cheese, so you cannot prove I am wrong.

14 thoughts on “Hit Me Up, Romney. Your Future VP is Here…

  1. “Ryan Paul (No good. Two first names.)”

    I guess the danger there is the possibility of getting them backwards, as shown here.


      • To be completely honest, I don’t want to vote for either of the real candidates. I think you and WhatIMeantToSay should run together. She was running for president earlier this year. Then you could be VP and it would be the best eight years ever. You two would definitely get reelected. Should I start printing the t-shirts?


  2. I don’t know. You don’t represent the novelty value of a black guy, cult religionist or a woman. Do you think you could grow a second head? That might attract the swing voters.


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