Your Guide to Super Tuesday Elections

All across America, the energy is palpable. There is electricity in the air. Metaphorically, of course, because if there was literally electricity in the air, we would all be wearing rubber suits to avoid death.

As I’m typing this, I can barely get the words out. I am so excited, my hands are trembling.

IT’S SUPER TUESDAY!!!!!!!!

Super Tuesday is the greatest day in all of America. On Super Tuesday, states vote for who they want to be able to vote for when it’s time to vote for president. Actually, more specifically, the states vote for people who will then vote to decide who people will vote for during the actual presidential election.

This voting for people to vote allows us a chance to take our government into our own hands, provided that those hands are either Republican or Democrat.

This year, the people who are up for votes are the Republicans. They’re the ones who are always on the news yelling at each other.

Choosing which of the four rich white guys to vote for can be very difficult. To make your life easier, I have analyzed the list of candidates.

Mitt Romney

Pros: Looks like a president. The name Mitt rhymes with a lot of things. Probably has a yacht.

Cons: Looks way better than I will at his age. Most likely will not share his yacht.

When you’re looking at the Republican presidential candidates, Willard Mitt Romney is the only one with a presidential look. Picture his face on money. It makes perfect sense. The only thing he is more suited for is the middle aged man in a Centrum Silver ad.

The downside of this, though, is pretty severe. I can’t relate to a president who, when he is 40 years older than me, is still a more attractive person. How can I vote for a person who could be in a Centrum Sliver ad? I don’t want that face to be the new face of America because then everyone else in the world will be vastly disappointed by my face when they see it.

Rating: Recommended by 4 out 5 doctors

Rick Santorum

Pros: Has an entire gaggle of children, so he would finally be a president that gets use out of all of those White House rooms. Is a member of the House of Representative’s “Gang of Seven” which would be an excellent western film.

Cons: His last name rhymes with virtually nothing. His personal wealth might be as low as $880,000, essentially making him the most underprivileged politician ever.

I find it virtually impossible to vote for Santorum. He looks like a cartoon figure, the phrase “President Santorum” sounds utterly ridiculous, and he used to be a lawyer. The only good lawyer in history was Matlock, and Santorum is no Matlock.

It doesn’t help that his name is Santorum. It sounds like a medical procedure or a bad 311 song.

On the plus side, though, Santorum has more children than Michael Jordan has championships. Anyone with that many children must be pretty tough. He might just be running for president to get a house big enough for all of them.

Rating: 13 out of 20 Santorums.

Ron Paul

Pros: Has written 21 books, more than three times what the average American has read. Was a 220-yard dash champion in high school. His medical residency in gynecology means he understands women better than most candidates.

Cons: Looks a bit like a mad scientist or crazy wizard.

Ron Paul is an interesting figure. He has had a far more interesting life than people realize. He has published countless books, served as a medical professional, served in congress, and has run for president 376 times.

He also may be insane.

It’s not necessarily his views that make him insane. He just seems to be offbeat. If you don’t believe me, here are a few real Ron Paul quotes.

“…in my little town of Lake Jackson, Texas, I’ve urged everyone in my family to know how to use a gun in self defense. For the animals are coming.”

“For over 100 years, they WERE legal. You’re implying if we legalize heroin tomorrow, everyone’s gonna use heroin.”

“If you have ever been robbed by a black teen-aged male, you know how unbelievably fleet-footed they can be.”

Oh crazy, racist Ron Paul!

With Paul as president, America could corner the market on craziness. That could be interesting for a while. Then, probably very scary.

Rating: 64.32 out of 89

Newt Gingrich

Pros: Named after an aquatic amphibian. Can intimidate foreign dignitaries with his vastly superior head size.

Cons: If thinks go downhill, may ditch America for a younger and more healthy country.

Newt Gingrich left a wife with cancer and a wife with Multiple Sclerosis. For the sake of every woman out there who will eventually marry Newt before being left while they are sick in bed with the flu, I must rate him low.

Rating: F–

Related articles

• Here’s Why Ron Paul’s Super Tuesday Speech Was GENIUS (businessinsider.com)
• Newt Gingrich has won Georgia and other Super Tuesday Results (nextbigfuture.com)
• You: US POLITICS: Republicans braced for bruising Super Tuesday (france24.com)
• Pa. Could Be Key In GOP Race After Super Tuesday (pittsburgh.cbslocal.com)
• Super Tuesday (vivianpaige.com)
• Will Super Tuesday be super kind to Mitt Romney? (macleans.ca)
• Super(ish) Tuesday Pre-Results Thread (minx.cc)
• Super Tuesday: Romney Dashes for Delegates (thestreet.com)
• Super Tuesday brings key test for Republican hopefuls (cbc.ca)