That’s Quite Enough, Facebook

My dearest Facebook, There’s no easy way to say this. We’ve been together for nine years. We’ve been through thick and thin, good and bad, other clichés that contrast two very opposite things. We’ve had a lot of good times together, but we really need to talk. I think it’s time for us to take […]


You Can Crown Me the King of Confrontation

Confrontation is an uncomfortable thing. There is nothing pleasant about it. Sure, it isn’t the worst thing I could ever have to face. If I were to be forced to choose between confrontation and an angry bear, I would choose confrontation, but only because confrontation with an angry bear would most likely end with mauling. […]

Thanks For Your Birthday Wishes. Now Leave Me Alone.

Barring some unforeseen terrible happenstance, tomorrow will be my birthday. This will be my 26th one of these. I’ve been around the block, I know how this goes. To save myself time tomorrow, I would like to respond to all of the birthday wishes now. To all of those who are going to ask “So… […]

01000011 01001111 01000100 01001001 01001110 01000111 00100001 00100001 00100001 : A Letter to Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates

Recently, several famous computer programmers like Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg, not to mention everyone’s second favorite Black Eyed Pea, teamed up to create a video urging people to learn computer programming. The video is nearly six minutes long, so I didn’t watch the whole thing. I have next to no attention span, so […]

Don’t Worry, Sarah Palin! It’s Easy to Not Say Offensive Things!

For those who have not heard, former Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin is in some hot water. It seems that Palin took to her Facebook to say “President Obama’s shuck and jive shtick with these Benghazi lies must end…” This in itself would not be a big deal if it wasn’t for the fact that “Shuck and […]

Power to the Online People

Sometimes it may seem to people that writing on the internet is a waste of time. For the most part it is. I mean, no one really needs to read about my attempts to hold in a sneeze. (Spoiler alert: The sneeze comes out before, ultimately, my head explodes.) In actuality, though, we are living […]

The Cutest Widdle Iddy Biddy Post Ever…

This weekend, I spent a good amount of time around babies. These little tiny humans were being held by bigger, full-sized humans. Despite the fact that both sizes of people were the same species, there was a special language being spoken. “AW! Wook at youw widdle nose! You awe soooo cute! Yes you awe! You […]

Coffee Shop Writing: Millions of Starbucks Patrons Can’t Be Wrong!

  Admittedly, I am not the coolest person in the world. I do not know the popular music of the day (“People still like Chumbawumba, right?”) and I have never seen, read, or paid any attention to anything involving “Twilight.” I do not know anything about Tom Cruise’s divorce aside from the fact that Cruise […]

How To Add Facebook Friends Without Creeping People Out

Friendships used to be so simple. You met a person, spoke to the person, and within minutes you were friends. If you didn’t become friends, you went your separate ways and never spoke to each other again. Then Mark Zuckerberg screwed everything up. With the invention of Facebook, now people can have thousands of “friendships” […]

Watch Your Back, Flies. My Wife is After You…

My house has become a fly danger zone. Every three to four seconds, I hear a loud “FWAP” followed by my wife screaming “I GOT YOU, FLY!” She will then proceed to dance over the fly’s dead body, admiring her kill. She is a bit strange. As the more sensitive person in the relationship, I […]