If You Can’t Stand The Heat, Get Out of the Kitchen. You Might Also Want to Avoid My Car.

In Wichita, KS this week, there was a heat burst. Within twenty minutes, the heat had risen from mid-80’s to 102.

While most people read this story and thought, “Sucks to be Wichita” (By the way, it does. It’s not the most pleasant town ever), I read it and was instantly able to relate.

My car conducts heat like that all of the time.

Recently, my giant tank of a vehicle decided it no longer wanted to condition my air. I’m assuming it decided that stagnant air was better for my pores because it has clearly turned itself into a nice sauna.

This wouldn’t be too unpleasant if it weren’t for two facts: I live in Kansas City and my vehicle conducts heat like an oven.

For those uninitiated to Kansas City, we are famous for our jazz, our barbeque, and our 3,000% humidity. Every summer, you can watch people walk outside of their nice air conditioned homes and immediately be drenched in sweat.

Since my air conditioner has stopped blowing cold air, I have a couple of choices. I can turn on the air and be pelted with air so hot that you might confuse it with a convection oven. This is unpleasant, but it does, at the very least, make the air around me move for a bit. If that seems like a bad situation, though, I can roll down my window and be drenched like a SeaWorld exhibit in a matter of minutes.

This came to my attention the other day. I was on my way to pick up my wonderful wife who nannys for three delightful children. One of these kids was having a birthday, so I was going to drop in and say hi.

Now, I’m not usually concerned with fitting in with my surroundings. I am a content person who is fine with the way I look, the way I dress, etc.

When I go to this neighborhood, though, I stick out like a sore thumb. A 1994 Ford Explorer does not blend in well with a gently used BMW or a brand new Audi. I usually get the feeling as I drive through the neighborhood that the housewives out for their mid-afternoon speed walk are wondering which house I am planning on robbing.

Very much aware of this, I was hoping to avoid looking like a creepy, sweaty guy in an old SUV. I did nearly everything I could do to short of hanging my head out of the window like a dog. I figured that activity is dangerous while driving.

There was no stopping it, though. By the time I arrived, I was the recipient of the there-goes-the-neighborhood glances I had been hoping to avoid.

I should just take my car to have the problem taken care of. It’s probably a quick fix.

It probably costs money, though.

I wonder how much it costs to have a car seat cover made out of those medical ice packs that in school nurse’s offices…. I could just bring my seat cover in at night, throw it in the freezer, than in the morning, I have a cool chilled seat to protect me from the summer heat.

Until I get one of those, I’ll just sweat it out in my sweatbox on wheels.

It’s good for my complexion.

8 thoughts on “If You Can’t Stand The Heat, Get Out of the Kitchen. You Might Also Want to Avoid My Car.

  1. Oh, I would just die if I had to live somewhere like Kansas with humidity.

    The worst (3) summers of my life were spent (as a child) visiting great grandma in Wisconsin – no air coniditioning in her old house, just a cooler that didn’t do anything and my grandfather in North Dakota, who did have a/c in the mobile home but nothing to do, so you had to either die of boredom or get outside…which outside you couldn’t move but sit there and it was boring too! And, I recall Michigan being that way, as well, except we went swimming in the rain, until a thunderstorm came. All these things were confusing to a Southern CA child. What do you mean we gotta get out of the water?

    That is a kind of heat I can’t handle, but I did live in the desert awhile and dry, heat- I can do that.

    Get the car fixed! Yes, it will always cost more money than you think it should. I remember the freon going out in my Toyota- I think that’s what they called it- and as a teenager, I could not afford to fix it…about 20 years ago that ran about $200? Of course, I didn’t have to deal with humidity so it didn’t matter too much.

    Lake Forest, CA


  2. I feel for you, Brother! I grew up in Montreal, which is known for its summer festivals…The Comedy Festival, The Jazz Festival, Le Festival des Patates, and The Humidity Festival. It sometimes hits 95° F with 160% humidity (that’s metric…I don’t know what that is in American percent) in summer and is bone-dry and in the minus 30s in winter. Children often make extra money to buy Christmas presents by freeing dogs that are frozen to fire hydrants. I now live in Niagara where it’s muggy in summer and so damp in winter that roads are basically electroplated with ice every time the sun goes down. Stupid weather.


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  7. Trust me, i know that feeling.. coming from someone who lives in the caribbean (Belize). the heat drives you crazy, all you need to do to get soaked is to just take couple steps from where you are standing and you’ll be looking like a used gym wear…. loved the blog.


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