Flag Day: Our Star Spangled Salute to Betsy Ross

Betsy Ross celebrates the first Flag Day by giving George Washington the first American flag. He was so excited, he nearly lost his wooden teeth.

The hot, stupid, hot days of summer are here again. It’s time for sunburns, heat exhaustion, embarrassment caused by your swimsuit (Seriously, they told me EVERYONE in Europe wears them!), and, worst of all, people continuing to wear that embarrassing swimsuit even after they have seen that it has left people dry heaving.

To make the summer months worse, we seem to have forgotten to put holidays in the middle of these months. They jammed them all in the other three months, giving us Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa, New Year’s Eve, New Year’s Day, Valentine’s Day, President’s Day. I could go on for a few more lines, but even I’m tired of this list.

The only holiday that summer has is Independence Day. Yes, things blow up and that is really great, but I don’t recall ever getting an Independence Day present. Plus, that is still weeks away. I need a holiday now.

Fortunately, tomorrow is Flag Day.

No one cares at all about Flag Day. If you asked a random person on the street when Flag Day was, they would say, “Who are you? Why are you asking me questions? Is this a game show? Leave me alone, please. Seriously, I have pepper spray.” Then they would admit their lack of knowledge about Flag Day while proceeding to blind you.

On the holiday totem pole, Flag Day ranks right below Arbor Day and Take Your Daughter/Son/Pet/ Ticking Biological Clock to work day. Neither one of those holidays come with a gift, unless you count those groups that hand out trees for Arbor Day. That gift requires physical work, though, so that holiday is dead to me.

Surely, though, Flag Day is awesome, right? Red, White, and Blue are pretty cool colors, so there’s got to be a lot you can do with that. Maybe girls wear sexy Betsy Ross costumes or something.

Not quite.

Flag Day is usually celebrated by raising a flag, saying the pledge of allegiance, and singing the national anthem. I don’t care how patriotic you are, there is only one way to describe this holiday:

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…

That is why we need to change our Flag Day routine. Make it Ultimate Flag Day, if you will.

When we wake up on Flag Day morning, we should immediately rush downstairs to see what Flaggy, the Flag Day mascot, has left for you inside of your Converse All-Stars (the most American shoe). Odds are its American flag themed. It’s also smaller than your foot.

Normal Flag Day parades are held in small towns and, I assume, usually consist of random people walking down the street waving and a man on stilts dressed like Uncle Sam. While the guy on stilts is undeniably awesome, the rest of the parade is not. No one is impressed by people’s ability to walk and wave at the same time. Walking backwards and waving would be more impressive, but it’s not quite enough.

We need to soup those parades up! Flag Day parades should be like the Macy’s Day Parade but bigger. I’m not too sure how you would make it bigger, but I’m guessing pyrotechnics are involved. Maybe more Snoopy balloons, too. Everyone loves that dog. He thinks his doghouse can fly.

Also, there should be a cake. All good holidays have a cake.

I think that, as a country, we owe this to our greatest patriot, Betsy Ross. For hours upon hours, Betsy set in her rocking chair, working her fingers to the bone, all so this country could have a flag. Days, maybe even months, passed as she sewed on star after star, stripe after stripe. Betsy couldn’t even rest, waking up in the middle of the night with revelations like, “A five-point star would fit way better than those six-point stars! General Washington will be so thrilled!”

And what did we give her in return? A stamp. She got her own stupid stamp. We didn’t even put her on a coin, choosing Sacagawea instead of her. All she did was help Lewis and Clark stay alive. Big, stinking deal.

So get your red, white, and blue suit to the dry cleaners. Polish up those star spangled cuff links. Run a brush through that Uncle Sam beard. You don’t want it to look ratty.

Tomorrow is the next great holiday. Tomorrow if Flag Day.

Seriously, though, don’t forget the cake. That really is the most important part of a holiday.

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7 thoughts on “Flag Day: Our Star Spangled Salute to Betsy Ross

  1. Consider yourself lucky to be an American, Nathan. Here in Canada our Flag Day falls on February 15, a time of year so cold that most Canadians have to spend a great number of hours per day unfreezing their dogs from fire hydrants. The only way we could have a Flag Day Parade would be to incorporate snow plows into the festivities. We only got our Maple Leaf flag in 1965 (before that we used a mutated British flag). I was in Grade 1 (that’s roughly 1st Grade in the US) at the time and thay had us make our own flags in art class. What a nightmare. They didn’t plan ahead and we ran out of red paint so some of the kids got red craft paper and white paint. And with all the points on the damned leaf at weird angles, it didn’t work out for anyone, not even for Margo, the class artsy-fartsy. Never in my life did I want so much to be Japanese but we would have run out of red paint just the same.

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  2. Lets revamp the star spangled banner to something that normal people can sing and understand as well, while we are at it.

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