The Greatest Presidents’ Day Pageant Ever

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Let’s be honest: Presidents’ Day gets the shaft. As far as holidays go, it falls somewhere between Labor Day and Micronesia Independence Day. Aside from some killer sales on cars (“0.9% APR on a new Honda!”) and a day off work, no one really cares about Presidents’ Day.

Well, it’s time for that to change. This holiday celebrates our nation’s leader, for crying out loud. Are we really so cynical that we can’t even take a second to thank our leaders for what they’ve done? (Yes, but that’s another story.)

That’s why I’ve been hard at work, trying to change our views. Instead of just another holiday, we are celebrating the man in the White House, our fearless leader, the man who is forced to decide whether to get us into another war or not. We really don’t want another war, so let’s be super-nice to him.

That’s why I have written a life-altering, mind-blowing Presidents’ Day Pageant for your friends and family to put on. Do this and see if you still have no respect for Presidents’ Day…

 

Casting Notes

George Washington: Actor should be naturally toothless in order to wear Washingtonesque wooden teeth. Any teeth should be knocked out by dress rehearsal. Hair does not matter in any way as actor will be wearing a stupid, girly wig.

Abraham Lincoln: The taller the actor, the better. Must be able to grow a fraction of a beard.

William Henry Harrison: Actor must have pneumonia.

 

The Greatest Presidents’ Day Pageant Ever

George Washington enters the stage. His gate shows a confidence earned through his service of duty as the first American general and later President of the United States.

George Washington: (turning to look towards audience) Oh! Well, hello there. I didn’t see all of you. You are a bunch of sneaky rascals. Don’t get too close because if I see the whites of your eyes, I have to shoot you. (pause for riotous laughter)

Washington moves towards the front of the stage carefully avoiding the edge. It can be easy to fall off of a stage and the last thing we need is an injured Washington.

George Washington: (looking confidently at the audience) For those who don’t know me, I am George Washington, wig aficionado and the first and greatest president these United States have ever seen.

Abraham Lincoln: (walking out on stage) Not so fast,Washington! I believe that some people think that I, Abraham Lincoln, am the greatest president.

George Washington: (chuckling to himself) Why, so they do, Mr. Lincoln. In fact, I think we can agree that we were both pretty great. (glancing at his iPhone) Why, it says here on my 1776 era cell phone calendar that today is Presidents’ Day, a holiday celebrating the great things that both of us did in office. Since we both were born in the month of February, we are being honored today!

Abraham Lincoln: Well, hot diggety dog!

The band begins to play “Presidents’ Day.” Song sung to the tune of “Yankee Doodle.”

George Washington: I was the first president

I did a lot of good things

Like lead our soldiers into war

And free us from British kings.

Abraham Lincoln:      In 1861 I freed

The slaves from the whole union.

It caused a Civil War and then

Left my skull ruined.

(spoken) Cause Booth shot me in the head!

William Henry Harrison: (entering stage) Say guys! I heard we’re celebrating presidents born in February. Bet you didn’t know I was born then too!

William Henry Harrison: I’m William Henry Harrison

A month passed before I died

From a pneumonia that was caught

When I gave a two-hour long inauguration speech without wearing a coat even though it was freezing outside. It was a bad decision that I regret quite a bit. All of that because I decided to try to look like a tough guy. What a dunce I am. Stupid Harrison! Stupid!

Both Lincoln and Washington stop and stare at Harrison’s random outburst of words. The band stops playing. An awkward pause, somewhere between 10 seconds and 17 minutes should take place here.

William Henry Harrison: (looking sheepish) Uh… I’ll just leave you two to it, I guess. (exits the stage).

As soon as Harrison has left the stage, the music should resume and Lincoln and Washington will act like Harrison never existed, much like how all of America acts towards Harrison.

George Washington:  This Presidents’ Day we celebrate

All the good that was done

By every president but mostly

Myself and Lincoln.

Abraham Lincoln:      So, when you go out today

To buy yourself a cheap car

Just remember the good we did

And how cool tall top hats are.

Entire cast transitions “America the Beautiful.” A giant flag unfurls behind them as the song ends.

George Washington: Well, I hope you all learned something today.

Abraham Lincoln: I know I did!

George Washington: Happy Presidents’ Day, to everyone. And death to the king!

The audience stands and cheers for the next 45 minutes, weeping and mentally locking in the best Presidents’ Day pageant ever.

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