Apple announced today the preorder date for its upcoming iPhone 5, the most highly anticipated phone since the iPhone 4s was announced a year ago. Apple has done a great deal to improve on their flagship product. They have made it thinner and sleeker while at the same time making the screen larger. It’s enough to make the hipster Apple crowd lose their ironically mustachioed minds.
For me, though, it takes a bit more to be impressed. I mean, sure, Apple makes a good product. It’s very sleek and attractive and allows you to play “Angry Birds” like you would not believe. Apple, however, still has not introduced the features that I need in my life. For iPhone 6, I expect to see these:
Longer battery life: We have all been there before. You are watching the score to your favorite sporting event. It’s tied at 47 somethings in the last game portion. Then suddenly, without warning, your phone turns off. You will now never know whether your hometown team was able to beat the out-of-town rivals. Ack!
That is why the greatest feature would be an improved battery. I am so sick of having to remember to charge my phone. It takes so much of my day. I spend hours just sitting there, thinking “I better charge my phone when I get home. It will definitely need more power.” Then, when I get home, I get started watching “Kitchen Nightmares” and completely forget about my phone.
A battery that lasts 3-4 months would totally alleviate this problem. I do not know whether this is feasible or not, but if scientist can develop a blanket with sleeves like the “Snuggie,” surely this could be done.
Emoticon messaging: I have heard that back in the day, people used to write out full paragraphs to each other. They would then fold those paragraphs up and mail them to other people. This was very time-consuming and incredibly inefficient.
After several technological advances, texting came about. Suddenly, we were able to send a message in 140 characters. It was so quick. Why waste time with full sentences when “U R kewl. LOL! Sushi @ 7?” gets the same point across?
I say, though, it’s time to take it one step further. Ditch the words altogether. When I send messages on my iPhone 6, I should only be allowed a series of emoticons to send to the other person. A picture is worth a thousand words, so an animated cartoon face blushing and winking while giving a thumbs up has to be worth at least 1,300.
Mind reading: The introduction of Siri was a great idea by Apple. Not only did people get their own personal secretary, but their own personal friend as well. There is only one way to improve on that.
Make Siri all-knowing.
It is the 21st century. We should not have to tell our phone what we want anymore. It should do it for us.
Siri: Nathan, you look hungry.
Nathan: Well, I guess I am. You know what sounds good?
Siri: Yes. A sandwich.
Nathan: That does sound good. I think I want…
Siri: A turkey sandwich on wheat with mustard and bit of provolone cheese and a pickle on the side.
Nathan: …Yeah…. How did you…?
Siri: I know everything. By the way, you might want to have that mole on your left butt cheek looked at.
Sure, it could be creepy, but think of all the time it would save.
Teleportation: I really hate sitting in cars. I would buy literally any product that allowed me to teleport. If Playtex introduced a teleporting bra, you can bet I would be strapping one on in a heartbeat.
I would prefer, however, that my phone did it. I do not want to wear a bra.
Giant flashing lights to announce that you have the new iPhone: I think we can all be honest here. The main reason to get the new iPhone is so people can see that you have the new iPhone. Nothing is really all that different about it. However, carrying around an iPhone 4s is basically telling every borderline hipster or technology geek that you are the lamest of lame.
If I buy a new iPhone, I would like it light up. I want sirens. I want it to shoot fireworks as long as they are safe and will not start a fire. I want everyone to know I have an iPhone. Maybe it could come with some sort of hat. I do not know, but surely Apple can put someone on that. That is really the only thing I need.
Oh, it would also be great if it would make phone calls. That is pretty far down on the importance list, though.