Snoop Dogg is Out To Ruin My Relationship

Snoop Dogg - Hovefestivalen 2012

Snoop Dogg – Hovefestivalen 2012 (Photo credit: NRK P3)

My wife and I just had a fight. Normally, this would be the part where I try to convince myself it was her fault. On her end, she is no doubt doing the same. This time, though, neither one of us is to blame.

This time, it’s all Snoop Dogg’s fault.

Like every married fight, it all started very innocently. I was perusing the world wide web and ran across a random headline on CNN.

“Oh,” I said. “Snoop Lion has endorsed Barack Obama.”

For those who have not kept up with the career of hip hop pioneer Snoop Dogg, he has recently changed his name to Snoop Lion so that he will have an appropriate name for his upcoming reggae album. I know this all sounds made up, but it is true. Snoop Dogg wants to be like Bob Marley, though I am sure he would pass on that whole cancer thing.

After a brief discussion (“Is Snoop Dogg only releasing reggae albums from now on?” “When did a lion become the official animal of reggae?”), our conversation drifted to the next logical stop.

“What is Snoop Dogg’s real name?” she asked.

Now, this may come as a shock, but I do not happen to know this. My knowledge of Snoop Dogg is very shallow and mostly revolves around his appearance in “The Duke’s of Hazard” movie. It turns out that a white suburban does not know too much about a self-proclaimed pimp. I quickly turned to the box of knowledge in front of me, heading to that oracle known as “Google.” It knows just about everything, the possible exception being me or my blog. (Quick! Everyone go Google me right now!)

There it was right in front of me. As I went to tell her, though, I noticed her clamoring to look at the screen herself. It was not too hard to notice as she was literally crawling on me to see. Why is she crawling on me? I wondered. It was not like I had found the cure for cancer on Google. (Note to self: Google cure for cancer. It seems to know everything else…)

Having been married for a few years now, I knew exactly how this situation needed to be handled. It would take grace and kindness, a delicate balance of feelings and expression that those new to relationships can hardly handle.

Or, I could just do the opposite of that.

“Why are you crawling on me?!” I exclaimed in my most annoyed voice. In retrospect, this probably did not do a great job of balancing feelings and expression. “Get off!”

“I just want to know his name!” she said. It was a rational request, though her tone of voice seemed to suggest that his name might be the code for a nuclear weapon that was about to detonate. I do not think she needed to know that badly, but you never know.

“THEN LOOK IT UP YOURSELF!” I said. Apparently trying to follow my kind and loving directions, she proceeded to try and take my computer. I responded rationally, taking all of the computers and heading upstairs far away from her. I did forget, though, that she has learned how to climb those stairs herself. (Note to self: get one of those childproof gates to keep wife off of the stairs. After a tense retrieval of her computer followed a half hour later by a tense retrieval of her charger, we found ourselves in separate rooms.

If only Snoop Dogg had a different name, this would not have happened. But NO! He had to choose a nonsense phrase for his rap pseudonym. Just by doing this, Mr. Dogg has created an environment of hostility to all couples in the world, leading each and every one of us to argue with our significant other. This is exactly the argument I plan to make in my upcoming lawsuit, pending my imminent Snoop Dogg-related divorce. I do not know how much money he has, but I would bet that proving he destroyed my relationship would be worth a cool $2 million. I mean, if a burglar can sue a homeowner because he got hurt breaking in, surely I can get a little something for this.

Oh, and his name is Calvin. Just in case you needed to know.

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