Wife Talk: The Necessity of Hands-Free Soap Dispensers

Photograph of a foam soap dispenser taken by D...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

With it being 2012, I have just been waiting for the world to come to a screeching halt. I’ve wondered how it would happen. Will the planet explode? Will the polar icecaps, tired of us constantly causing them to melt, rebel and fight back, destroying all living creatures? Will everyone kill themselves, unable to bear the thought of one more singing or dancing competition airing on TV?

While these are all excellent options, my money is on germs.

There have been many movies made on this very subject. A person gets a disease and, because of their germs, passes that disease on to a friend. Pretty soon it has spread everywhere like a YouTube clip of an adorable kitten, but much less adorable and much more frightening.

Aware that germs are a major issue, many companies have jumped on the bandwagon to try to prevent the end of the world and, at the same time, make some money. Some of these options are just gimmicks while others are the real deal. Fortunately for me, my wife is there to keep me up to date on the latest germ destroying technologies:


Nathan’s Wife: You know those no-touch Lysol soap dispensers they just came out with?

Nathan: No.

Oh. Well Lysol has just come out with no-touch soap dispensers.

Oh. Okay.

The whole point of the no-touch soap dispenser is to not get germs on your hands from all of the times you have touched the pump with germy hands. But isn’t it kind of pointless because once you pump the soap, you rub that soap on your hands and get all of the germs off anyway, so what does it matter?

I guess that’s true. What if you have to pump soap for somebody else, though?

Why would you have to do that?

Let’s say I have a debilitating injury. I’m able to do everything for myself but when it comes to washing my hands after I go to the bathroom, I am just not quite able to pump the soap.

How are you able to feed yourself but not pump soap?

All of my meals are sucked through a straw.

How do you wipe yourself?

I have a bidet.

Easy. I would wash my hands after I help you pump.

But then the water shuts off after I’m done washing my hands.

Why would it shut off?

I forgot to pay the bill. I’ve had a lot on my mind, what with the debilitating injury and all. It just fell through the cracks.

Okay, I would just use hand sanitizer.

You know what would cut out a step? What if Lysol made the pump out of soap?

What’s the point of the pump then? It would just be a bar of soap and they already have that.

It’s not a bar, though, because you can either get your soap from the hard pump or you could use that hard pump to get the soft moisturizing soap onto your dirty, germ infested hands.

Why would you need the choice?

This is America. We have the freedom to choose the type of soap we want.

That’s stupid.

Try telling our forefathers that.


23 thoughts on “Wife Talk: The Necessity of Hands-Free Soap Dispensers

  1. Your wife is right. I was suckered into getting one of those things by a coupon and the novelty of the idea. They are pointless because of what your wife said, but also, they need batteries, and their special soap, both of which cost too much, and you have to kind of wave your hand in front of the thing and then it takes a second before it squirts out, then it squirts out more than what you actually need and it takes too long, so you start taking your hand away, and it still squirts out, making a mess of the counter.

    Sorry, I’ve been needing to get that venting out. Thanks for the post Nathan.


  2. Yeah, I definitely remember reading George Washington chanting about hands free soap dispensers during the revolution.


    • Andrew, that’s just stupid. Everyone knows George Washington was far too busy leading the colonial army and polishing his wooden teeth to care about things as trite as soap dispensers. It was New Hampshire’s Josiah Bartlett that chanted. Total germ freak.

      Read a book sometime, Andrew. Geez.


      • Dammit. I always get those two mixed up. Well at least Benjamin Franklin invented the XBOX right?


  3. Spend enough time in airports and you forgot how to dispense soap, flush, pull down paper towels and turn on faucets. A germ-free existence. At least until you get on the plane that is.


  4. The hands-free soap dispenser may be totally useless, but the hands-free toothpaste dispenser will be mankind’s undoing. Seriously, you stick the toothbrush into that thing to press a little pump handle and you are supposed to share that with the whole family. If that’s not a way to spread horrendous germs, I don’t know what is.


  5. The founding fathers had a lot on their minds but still, they should have thought about sanitation in public rest rooms. Hands free soap disperses should be in the Constitution.


  6. lol – great post. I think the whole “OMG.. GERMS!!!!” phobia going on is directly related to all the sickness I see these days.. our tolerance for germs is so low if we shake an unwashed hand.. bam! we’re sick.


  7. Pingback: Antibiotic Soap and Hand Wipes May Make You Sick or Sicker! « Absolutely Mind Boggling

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