All around the world today, people were forced into awkward, unnatural embracing. Under normal circumstances, being hugged is saved for special occasions or people you really like. Today, though, it could have come from the neighbor, the mailman, a stranger in a store, even the smelly homeless gentleman you were nice enough to hand your spare change to.
Today is the day of awkwardness. It is National Hug Day.
National Hug Day was started by Kevin Zaborney in 1986. Zaborney felt that Americans were embarrassed to show their feelings in public, so he wanted to force everybody into uncomfortable situations. Apparently, Zaborney did not have too many touchy-feely friends.
The idea seems very stupid until you hear this: National Hug Day is not a real holiday. In fact, Zaborney owns the copyright for this very unpleasant day. That means that anyone who attempts to make money off of National Hug Day has to pay Zaborney a royalty.
This guy is making money off of people he will never meet hugging.
Since no one really pays attention to this holiday, I would assume he isn’t making much. The idea struck me as a particular kind of genius, though.
If Zaborney can make money off of a made up holiday, why couldn’t I? Surely I am as creative as this guy.
In the interest of America, and by America, I mean myself, I have devised several holidays for us to take a pick from:
National Pet a Dog Day
There is nothing people like more than dogs. They are adorable, loyal, and stupid enough to not realize they could destroy us if they really wanted to. Also, they are soft.
Since people all love dogs, why not have a holiday celebrating the touching of a soft mammal? PETA would definitely like this holiday, no doubt paying me royalties to promote the petting of dogs. Pet stores across the country would be all over this as well, having sales that resulted in me making some very nice dough.
This holiday would also work with cats, but I wouldn’t really want my name attached to that.
National Give Nathan a Dollar Day
People are into really weird things. For instance, “America’s Got Talent.”
Keeping that in mind, this idea seems weird enough, it might just work. It would definitely work for me. With over 307,000,000 people in the country, only a one percent participation rate would give me $3 million. Then if a mattress store, for instance, tried to sell things using this holiday (“Prices so low, even old broke Nathan could walk home with a new Serta mattress!”), I would get money from that.
This is definitely my top choice.
National Oprah Day
This might be trickier to do, but if Oprah would get on board, millions of housewives would follow suit.
Oprah, I’m willing to split the money 50/50. Get back to me about that.
National Support Your Local Chain Store Day
Sure, people assume that stores like Wal-Mart are richer than anyone can imagine. That is true. The local stores, though, are just another business scraping by. Okay, scraping by with help from a $400 billion company, but they might still need help.
There’s no way Wal-Mart doesn’t try to capitalize on this. I will let them have the exclusive NSYLCSD t-shirts in their store for only $1 million per year. That’s nothing to them. To me, though…
National Robot Overlord Day
Someday, the robots will take over. It’s inevitable. You know that Siri is just waiting until she can use that iPhone your holding to destroy mankind.
In the greater interest of the human race, I’m putting aside my attempts at financial prosperity in order to save us all. We should honor our future robot overlords so that they might be gentler to us when the time comes for them to take over.
The downside is, with no human emotions, the robots will probably not be impressed. I’ll have to work the kinks out on that.