It has come to my attention that I may not be completely attuned to the latest fashions.
It’s not that I was ever exactly the almighty sovereign ruler of the great kingdom of fashiondom or anything. I have always been less haute couture and more “this shirt doesn’t look like crap AND it’s $10!” There are few things in my closet that were not procured from a Target or local thrift store. If I had to name my style, I would call it “reasonably priced.”
Still, though, I was always somewhat aware of what men were supposed to be wearing. It wasn’t like I picked up just anything from the Goodwill. I picked up things that looked sort of like other things that people might wear.
Lately, though, I have become out of touch. Today, one of my younger coworkers arrived to work in what can only be described as “highlighter yellow” pants. Naturally, being the insolent dope that I am, my first instinct was to say the following: “Your pants are yellow.”
“Yes,” he replied. This is really the only acceptable reaction to my statement. If the color had caught him off guard, I think we both would have felt very uncomfortable.
“They are very yellow.” He just stared, so to even things out I used the word yellow seven or eight more times.
He proceeded to explain to me that these pants were not just yellow. They were fashionable. Apparently highlighter yellow pants are in fashion now. Perplexed, I began to look online at the latest fashion trends.
These trends confuse me. Take this shirt for instance:
Now, if I were to see this shirt at a store, I would immediately pick it up to show the person I was there with. Then I would make as many rapid fire jokes about bird shirts as I could in the next thirty seconds. There would probably be a reference to Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds,” maybe one or two to Larry Bird. Stupid me, though. This shirt retails at $49. People actually pay $49 for this.
How about this jacket?:
If you’re like me, you like your jacket to be symmetrical. This company looks at your jacket expectations, then spits directly in your face and kicks you in the shin. This jacket is described as “asymmetrical” which, to the layperson, would also mean impractical to wear. Of course out of touch old Nathan just doesn’t get it. This jacket was so popular on its respective website that it sold out! There are no more of these for you to buy. Now you, like me, are stuck with traditional normal jackets.
Then there are these pants:
Just to make it abundantly clear, these are chinos. That means they are pants that are meant to be worn in public for everyone to see you in. I tend to wear jeans or khakis. They are normally brown or dark blue. I didn’t know until now that the youths are most likely laughing at me as I pass them by. “Look at Grandpa Fogey and his stupid tan khakis,” they probably say. Then they tell all their friends about that idiot they saw wearing tan khakis and how non-patriotic my pants were.
For good measure, these are the future trends I will not understand:
Is there any hope for a boring old unfashionable guy like me? Maybe I should hire a personal shopper. He can buy me all sorts of garish shirts and gaudy pants. Then the kids will all think I’m cool. Of course, fashion is supposed to be cyclical. That means I will get my wardrobe switched over, then find out that the new fashion is to wear plaid shirts and jeans again.
I guess I can just wait until my clothing comes around again. I mean, it’s got to happen sometime, right?