The Ballad of a Boring Man

I’m boring.

This isn’t one of those posts where I complain about how boring it is to get older. In fact, I’ve always been boring.

When I was a kid, my neighbors would come and ask if I wanted to play. I would decline and resume the monotony I was deeply entranced in inside. As a college student, I would pass on most adventures, a decision that, while usually the smart idea, was not always the most exciting.

Even now I’m boring. I have devised boring plans for my weekend. They are to eat sushi and go to a movie.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ….

If you think I’m exaggerating how boring I really am, here is a rundown of my day:

7:43- I wake up and look at the clock. Since I am supposed to be at work at 7:45, I do my best roadrunner impression (minus the annoying “Beep-Beep!”) and head out the door.

7:48- I arrive at work, nearly on time.

7:48-12:00- I read every article on the CNN website. I also write a little bit.

12:00- Lunch

12:30-6:00- I continue to read every article on CNN.com, occasionally stopping to look something up on Wikipedia.

6:00-10:00- I tell my wife all about the articles I read on CNN.com (“Did you know that Barack Obama was going to meet with,” I will start before she interrupts and says something along the lines of “Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.”)

10:00- I sleep.

 

If you are awake after that explanation of my day, congratulations. You should receive some kind of medal for people who can withstand insane amounts of boredom. It would be less respected than the Presidential Medal of Honor, but more so than a daytime Emmy.

I don’t know where my boredom came from. I would assume that it is a family trait, having been handed down from generation to generation. My great great great great great great grandfather was probably invited on the Mayflower but stayed in England, saying, “I don’t know about that, guys. That water looks really cold. I might fall in or something. I think Shakespeare has a new play this weekend. I think I’ll check that out. Next time, though. For sure next time.”

I’ve thought about doing some more exciting things to bump the excitement level of my life up a notch. Maybe I should go skydiving or bungee jumping, I thought. I do not, however, have any interest in plummeting from great heights, so those activities are off the table.

I could start a dog fighting ring. I like dogs way too much for that, though.

Maybe I should bump it up a few notches. I could live my life purely for excitement. I could ditch all of my personal belongs and jump a train, headed to an unknown destination. Once there, I would go about town charming the women and fighting the men, a drifter in an unknown city. I would gamble for a living and spend my evenings at the local hot spot, scamming people into giving me their hard earned bucks. With that money, I would buy the supplies for a high profile art heist, one the likes of which has never been seen or will be seen again. After becoming a billionaire from black market art dealing, I would escape to a remote island, narrowly avoiding imprisonment. There I would live out the rest of my days.

That seems like a lot of work, though.

I think I’ll see what’s new on CNN.com.