Weddings: The Most Romantic Nonsense You Will Ever See

In the life of a woman, there are a handful of monumental moments. Their entire life, they will be able to, in detail, tell stories of their first kiss, first date, their first boyfriend. All of these stories, though, pale in comparison to the event they lead up to. The wedding. Dozens of times in […]

Happy Easter! Enjoy Your Rabbit Eggs…

Easter is full of a great number of things. Delicious egg shaped candies. Terrible egg shaped candies. Pastel colors. Awkwardness when you wish a person of Jewish descent “Happy Easter.” The most popular of these things, though, seems to be the Easter Bunny. Yes, the legend of a hermaphroditic rabbit (seriously, look it up) has […]

The Greatest Presidents’ Day Pageant Ever

Let’s be honest: Presidents’ Day gets the shaft. As far as holidays go, it falls somewhere between Labor Day and Micronesia Independence Day. Aside from some killer sales on cars (“0.9% APR on a new Honda!”) and a day off work, no one really cares about Presidents’ Day. Well, it’s time for that to change. […]

National Hug Day: The Dumbest Holiday Ever or Pure Genius?

All around the world today, people were forced into awkward, unnatural embracing. Under normal circumstances, being hugged is saved for special occasions or people you really like. Today, though, it could have come from the neighbor, the mailman, a stranger in a store, even the smelly homeless gentleman you were nice enough to hand your […]

Your Handy Dandy Guide to New Years’ Resolutions

With the New Year just around the corner, it has come to my attention that people don’t know how to pick New Year’s resolutions. It can be hard to decide how you need to better yourself. You, as you are well aware, are perfect in every way and have no major issues that need fixed. […]

Twas Two Nights Before Christmas

Twas two nights before Christmas And all through the town The men were panicked for no gift had they found. “I’m dead meat, I’m done,” They cried in defeat As some other lucky husband grabbed the last jewelry that was cheap. They went to store after store But to no avail As the hours were […]

Solve Your Thanksgiving Leftover Problem Now!

Now that Thanksgiving is over and done, Americans are all asking the same question. “What should I do with all of these leftovers?” Sure, you can just continue to eat them over and over and over until you’re tempted to cut your tongue out, avoiding the leftover turkey flavor. That, though, can be very messy. […]

Rise Up, Turkeys! Thanksgiving Must Stop Now!

There was a time thousands of years ago that turkeys could roam free. Turkeys were everywhere, from the Redwood Forest’s turkeys to the Gulf Stream Waters’ turkeys. Turkeys were able to build up a large and strong society. Then, tragedy struck. As a group of humans arrived in this great land searching for freedom, these […]

Labor Day: The Blessing and the Curse of a Three Day Weekend

With this last Monday being Labor Day, everyone’s favorite union-related holiday, I was granted one of the most delightful things a human can ask for. I received the elusive three day weekend. Three day weekends are great. It gives you a great opportunity to get everything that you have been putting off done. Going into the […]