Danger Is Absolutely Not My Middle Name

11. Do something dangerous I’m not a brave person. At all. While some people laugh in the face of danger, I look at the face of danger and say, “Excuse me, sir, but would you mind stepping out-of-the-way? I would much rather go to that well-lit public area where nothing bad can happen to me.” […]

Warning: Pumping Gas and Morning Do Not Mix

Life is much harder in the morning. Even the simplest tasks can be daunting. You can suddenly find yourself staring at a shoelace as if you were facing the summit of Everest. That is how I found myself driving down I-440 with the door to my gas tank open. It started out like many other […]

Worst Idea Ever: Wearing Black While Biking In a Rainstorm at Night

It was a dark and rainy night as I drove down Broadway. Not shockingly, my 1992 Ford Explorer does not have the greatest braking distance in history. As I came on an intersection, I suddenly slammed on my brakes. I hoped that I would be able to stop in time. There, in the middle of […]

Radio Station Gives Away Babies, Also Gives Me Nightmares

I never win anything. It’s just the way my life works. I can only remember winning a handful of prizes in my lifetime, the last one being an electronic toothbrush. In the tradition of my luck, though, that toothbrush was almost immediately possessed by a demon. Some people say it broke, but I know otherwise. […]

Dear Lady Running in the Snow, STOP IT NOW PLEASE!

As a I exited my apartment this morning, I was greeted with arctic air and a slippery sidewalk. I slowly made my way to my vehicle, shuffling my feet to keep from falling. I’m sure I looked like a crazy person. I’m not talking normal crazy, I’m talking “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” crazy. […]