My Server Ruined My Life

“Chips on plates” by Yannick Bammert

It was late this afternoon. I had been standing outside waiting for a table. I’m not a big fan of hyperbole, so you know I am telling the truth when I say it had to have been at least five or six hours of waiting for a table. After all of the pacing and standing and gazing longingly at the food the people on the patio were eating, I was famished.

Finally, we were seated. After a look at the menu, I ordered something called a “Redneck Burrito,” a lovely dish containing pulled pork, baked beans, and cole slaw all in a tortilla. Apparently, this particular establishment does not believe that rednecks know what a traditional burrito is. I think that’s pretty judgy on their part, but of course by saying that I am being judgy about their judginess. I’m fairly certain that’s the worst kind of judginess.

Nevertheless, I ordered this non-burrito burrito. Knowing full well that this was not the healthiest meal I had ever eaten, I decided that I would pay the extra $0.80 for steamed vegetables instead of French fries. For some reason, I seemed to believe that this would make this meal much healthier. It’s as if I assumed for a brief second that having one healthy item on your plate cancels out the rest of the garbage that will soon be destroying you from the inside out.

I waited for a bit longer. I would have a lot more free time in my life if I stopped going to restaurants. Or stopped eating in general. That would open up hours every day where I could take up a hobby like whittling or spelunking.

Finally the food arrived and was set in front of me. The first thing I did was look at the burrito. It was not a burrito which, as previously mentioned, is exactly how a burrito meant for a redneck would be presented. Maybe the logic is that many rednecks tend to be rife with racial prejudices, so the last thing they would want is for their food to be taken over by our neighbors down south. The less burritoy their burrito is, the better. The bigger issue was not this confusing entrée. Next to this non-burrito, though, set a large pile of French fried potatoes. Not a single steamed vegetable was to be found.

I kept my cool, though. I was very hungry at this point and did not want to deal with the whole “you gave me the wrong food” hullaballoo. Not that it’s a big deal. I just began to put some sauce on my non-burrito and go to town.

Out of the corner of my eye, I kept seeing my wife’s salad. It was a very nutritious salad with strawberries and grilled chicken. Then I would look back at my fries and non-burrito. I could imagine the things people were saying at tables nearby.

“Look at that salad,” they would say. “It looks so healthy and nutritious. It looks so much better than the food that guy is shoving in his fat, stupid mouth. I mean, it looks like he’s eating something a redneck would try to pass off as a burrito.”

Of course, it wouldn’t look nearly as bad if I had steamed vegetables instead of fries. My waitress, though, decided that listening to my order was not an important part of her job. Not that I’m bitter about it or anything. I just wish I had gotten the thing I ordered. Not that it’s a big deal.

I started to try to slide fries into my wife’s bowl hoping that maybe they would counteract the nutrition she had. That did no good. The judgy looks continued on. The only option would be to devour the food as quickly as possible. That way, when I was done the people would have no idea whether I had just finished eating garbage or whether my plate had once been filled with something good.

There I was, shoveling fistfuls of greasy fries in my mouth over and over all because my server did NOT want to allow me the delicious and/or nutritious vegetables that were originally ordered. If ONLY she had done her ONE SINGLE SOLITARY JOB CORRECTLY, THEN MAYBE THAT WOULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED! THEN I WOULDN’T BE HERE REGRETTING EVERY FOOD DECISION I MADE TODAY AND WONDERING EXACTLY HOW MUCH SOONER I WILL BE HAVING A HEART ATTACK BECAUSE OF THE MASSIVE QUANTITIES OF FRIED POTATOES THAT ARE AT THIS MOMENT PASSING THROUGH MY DIGESTIVE TRACK! So thank you so very much, server! You have just monumentally added to my neuroticism! I appreciate it SOOOOOOOOOOOO much!

Not that it’s a big deal.


One thought on “My Server Ruined My Life

  1. Great read! I completely understand and sympathize. The only thing worse than having a guilty pleasure meal (whether intentionally or not) is it blatantly standing out from the healthy meals other people at your table have!


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