Dateline: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, 1776. After a great deal of tea-related bickering and the subsequent beginning of a war, a group of men have had enough.
“I do say that these British brutes must be dealt with!” declared a chubby bespectacled man named Benjamin Franklin. In 1745, Franklin had authored a letter entitled “Advice to a Friend on Choosing a Mistress.” This is not directly relevant to this story. It is just a reminder that Benjamin very much loved the ladies, so something had to be very important for him to stop thinking about the fairer sex for one minute. The war against the British was that important thing.
“I agree. That is why I have authored this document,” said Thomas Jefferson. He then rifled through his knapsack, for a second being worried that he had forgotten the paper in question at home. His wife Martha had a bad habit of throwing out papers she did not view to be important. Fortunately, he found it under his Clif Bar and bottle of Smart Water.
He then read aloud what would be the foundation of the greatest country in the entire history of the world. It was a letter declaring independence from the British. You might call it a declaration of independence. In fact, that’s exactly what Jefferson called it. It may have been boring, but it was better than his working title of “Dear King… Leave us alone now, please!”
With a few strokes of a pen, America was born. And it was good, nay, great.
Unfortunately, somewhere along the line, America stopped being so great. If I were to guess, it would probably be around the time Rocky V came out. I mean, an American boxing hero had life-threatening brain trauma. There was decidedly nothing great about that. Just ask the NFL.
Since then, we have been trying to be great again. We’ve hovered around pretty good, dipped down to okay. At one point we were decent and even respectable. Not great, though. That’s for sure.
Finally, though, a great American hero has stepped out to save us from our future as a sub-par lackluster dull dreary uninspiring dismal boring bland insipid waste of 3.806 million square miles. It seems that everyone has an idea of how to improve America, but only one man has the gall to plan on making it great again.
That man is the one, the only, Donald John Trump.
Yes, Trump has teased us with a presidential run before. This time, though, Trump is the real deal. He has found an America begging to be great again, so he has thrown his diamond encrusted luxurious and extra-classy hat into the ring with a slogan responding to these wishes: “Make America Great Again” or “MAGA” for short. This is a big promise for a person to make. How can Trump possibly step up where so many have fallen short?
He does has some big ideas. That’s how.
For starters, Trump knows exactly how to fix the struggling Healthcare.gov website:
“We have a $5 billion website. I have so many websites… I hire people. They do a website. It costs me $3.”
That is brilliant and, quite frankly, very simple. Why the government never thought of hiring a person to do the website for $3 is a mystery. It just shows how incompetent and nonsensical the United States Government is. I bet they have never had a website for that price, but under Trump the US would have so many cheap websites. Just so many of them.
Then there is the issue with the illegal immigration south of the border. Trump is really worried about this because “They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists.” No one wants drug pushing criminal rapists running throughout our once great land. The answer for this is simple:
“I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me – and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.”
It sounds like a pretty big order, but he said that we could mark his words. He wouldn’t say that we could mark his words if he didn’t know for a fact that Mexico would be willing to build a great wall at their expense, right? Right?
“But what about jobs?” you may be asking. Don’t worry about that at all:
“I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created.”
See? Trump has that under control.
So yes, Trump has some great ideas. In fact, his ideas are so great that these are all just from his speech declaring his run for president. Imagine how many more ideas he has cooking in that head of his! It must be an idea typhoon, blowing ideas here and there inside his skull. If elected, I would expect nothing less than 10 amazing ideas a day. People must be thinking the same thing as me which explains how Donald Trump has a 7% lead in the latest GOP polls.
That is an actual statistic. This is not made up.
Sure, there are going to be some detractors. Some people will say things like Donald Trump has no experience governing and is a bigoted nut job and has some pretty bad hair. They may say he doesn’t have the best interest of all Americans in mind, but rather will be more focused on the wealthy. They might say “The Apprentice” was bad.
Yeah, well you know who else didn’t have any experience governing and were bigoted with pretty bad hair? Our forefathers, that’s who. Maybe Donald Trump is crazy, but maybe crazy is what it will take to make America great again. If it is, the Donald is exactly what America needs.
If not, at least he will make our imminent destruction fun to watch.