Congratulations! You’re The Best At Lasering Eyeballs!

The other day I was listening to the radio.

This is a fairly novel idea these days. Most people tend to have forsaken their terrestrial radios for Pandora and podcasts. Long gone are the days of people crowding around the radio to hear “The Lone Ranger” and “Little Orphan Annie” and the likes.  I could complain about the imminent death of radio for a bit longer, but my old man rants hardly ever seem productive.

As I was listening, a commercial came on for a local Lasik eye service. For those unaware, Lasik is a surgery where your vision is corrected by a doctor with a laser. The reason there are commercials for these doctors, I assume, is it can be difficult to convince people to let doctors point lasers into their eyeballs. The commercial tried its best to sell me on it. They threw their usual selling points at me hoping one would stick, only to have me deflect them away with unbelievable efficiency.

“Are you tired of wearing glasses?”

No. I quite like my glasses. According to every TV show ever, people with glasses look smart. I imagine that if I took them off, people would spend all day talking about how much of an idiot I must be.

“Is the daily grind of contact usage becoming too much to bare?”

Well, as I said previously, commercial, I wear glasses. I refuse to put tiny pieces of plastic on my eyeball. If my eye was meant to be touched daily, it wouldn’t hurt so much when you do it.

“Well, come to the Lasiky Lasikness Lasik center for a free evaluation.”

Only the company was not called the Lasiky Lasikness Lasik center. I do not remember what it was called. Clearly the commercial’s effectiveness is in question. Perhaps they knew this, because at this point, they made a pretty lofty claim.

“Voted Nashville’s best Lasik eye center….”

Wait. Let’s pause for a second. They were VOTED Nashville’s best Lasik eye center? By whom? Is there some sort of Lasik committee that gets together once a year? They vote and then hold some sort of Lasik Oscar’s where a room full of laser wielding optometrist get together to acknowledge the most accomplished laser wielding optometrist of the year?

It does not seem like there is a way to vote subjectively on this sort of thing. It’s not like you can have a Lasik sampler from all of the local Lasik providers to figure out which one was the best. Once you have done Lasik, you’re pretty much committed to that doctor for the foreseeable future.

This would be like me claiming that I was voted Best Husband in the world. My wife would most likely vote for me as she has no other husband to compare me too. Or she might vote for Jim Halpert from “The Office.” She is very big fan of him.

This was a very terrible example.

I guess kudos are in order to the Lasiky Lasikness Lasik center for all they have accomplished. Maybe someday I will be tired of my glasses. Then I will certainly seek out the best and, apparently, that is them. We will have a glorious time, them lasering my eyes, me hoping they don’t slip and somehow destroy my brain with said laser.

If only I could remember their name. They really ought to switch it to Lasiky Lasikness Lasik center. It’s pretty catchy.


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