As an independent voter in America, I find myself constantly being courted by both major political parties. It is like I am the prettiest girl at the ball and everyone wants a spot on my dance card.
Somehow I have ended up on the email list for both the Republican and Democrat parties. A day does not go by that one of the two parties does not email asking for my support, my signature on some sort of petition, or, more often than not, my money. As usual, one of these emails arrived today. This email, though, was an extra-special one: it was an email from President George Herbert Walker Bush. Eager to see what a former leader of the free-world had to say to me, I clicked the message.
I don’t know what your guilty pleasures are in life, but one of mine is socks.
I was very caught off-guard by this. If I had to guess what George Herbert Walker Bush’s guilty pleasure in life was, it would not be socks. In fact, I am not entirely certain why socks would be a guilty pleasure. Is there a reason I should be ashamed of my socks? Is it uncouth to cover one’s foot inside of their shoe?
I very self-consciously pulled my pants legs down to hide my terribly offensive foot garment and continued.
I’m a self-proclaimed sock man. The louder, the brighter, the crazier the pattern — the better! It’s usually the first thing people notice I’m wearing whenever I’m out in public and that’s the way I like it.
Now I understood why socks are a guilty pleasure. As it turns out, all President Bush wants is for people to notice his crazy socks. I would feel guilty about my love of socks too if I was shamelessly trying to draw attention to them all of the time.
“Yeah, that’s great… by the way, did you notice my socks? They’re purple with orange polka dots. Pretty crazy, right?”
The best way, I suppose, to draw attention to your socks would be to walk about without pants on. Nothing draws attention to your brightly colored socks like partial nudity. I imagine that his bare legs covered only by a garish pair of socks were very distracting when he was in the middle of a diplomatic negotiation. Maybe that is why he did not get elected for a second term.
So when Chairman Reince Priebus asked me to write to you on behalf of the Republican National Committee (RNC), I told him I’d be happy to do it. But on one condition: my letter to you had to involve socks.
Far be it from me to suggest that maybe President Bush is not quite with it at age 89, but it seems to me this would be a strange demand for a person to make. I imagined the conversation in my mind.
“Excuse me, Mr. President. I was hoping that perhaps you would be interested in addressing the Republican National Committee. It would be an extreme honor.”
“Great. I was hoping maybe we could discuss finance reform or…”
“I have a better idea. What about socks?”
“Yeah. There is no way I will ever write anything to the RNC unless I get to talk about socks. Say, Reince, did you notice my socks today? Aren’t they crazy?”
I’m proud to say the RNC has commissioned a limited-edition pair of socks in my honor. Embroidered with the Republican elephant and my signature on them, they’re sure to get you noticed.
And now we had reached the actual point. It seems that for the low low price of $35, I can be the proud owner of a pair of Republican George Herbert Walker Bush socks. And they are… something.
Apparently, President Bush likes socks that look like they are directly from a Dr. Seuss book. It did seem odd to me that a pair of Republican socks are a couple of colored stripes away from looking like a rainbow flag, but I suppose when George Herbert Walker Bush tells you what socks should look like, you say “Yes, sir” and get your sock people on it right away. He is a bit of a sock connoisseur.
So now the ball is in the Democrat’s court. $35 will get me a crazy pair of socks from the Republicans. What can the Democrats get me? I think their best bet to win me over would be a limited-edition Coogi sweater with Bill Clinton’s signature stitched on the sleeve.
Who could turn that down?