Coffee Can Be A Real Troublemaker Sometimes

Seconds later, this woman found herself in the same position I was in.

I like to start my day off with a cup of coffee. Scratch that. I NEED to start my day off with a cup of coffee. Caffeine is my drug of choice and a necessity for me to function in the morning. If there was a way to directly mainline caffeine into my body, I would be very tempted to adopt this method. As far as I know, though, this has not been a marketed idea at this point, so a cup of black coffee will have to do.

For my birthday a few weeks ago, one of my gifts was a travel mug. This is an ideal gift for me as this allows me to work on developing a debilitating chemical addiction on the go. As usual, I put the dog in her pen, ignored the pleading pathetic looks from the dog, grabbed my mug, and headed out the door to work.

Out of all of my travel mugs, this particular mug looks the nicest. It has a lovely gleam to it that, when looking inside my cabinet, stands out amongst all of the others. It is a sleek mug with streamlined sides. Looking at it, you would assume that it was designed by the top scientists NASA has to offer. There is just one major flaw to this cup.

It does not dispense coffee.

When I attempt to drink out of this cup, it is like a child’s sippy cup. The only way to get a full drink of coffee is to tilt the cup towards the ceiling and hold it there for a several seconds. This is not an ideal situation, particularly for a person who is desperately craving a caffeine fix in the morning.

It was this situation I found myself in as I drove down the road today. After several sips, I began to question this system. It seems that drinking out of a cup like this could be detrimental while driving as it can be very distracting. More importantly, though, I needed that caffeine. I needed it then.

That is when I tapped into my knowledge of physics. I began to think about the sleek design of that cup and how tightly the lid fit on. Looking at it, I had a sudden thought. As tight as that lid fit on that cup, it could be creating a vacuum seal inside. Perhaps the coffee will not come out because of science. If only there were a way to slightly loosen the seal, the coffee should pour out freely, bringing me that sweet, sweet caffeine.

Now, I must reinforce the fact that at this point I had only had four sips of coffee. My brain was still in that early morning fog. What happened next is to be blamed on this and not faulty thinking. I loosened the lid slightly and lifted it to my lips.

The coffee did come out much more quickly. I was very happy, thinking I had solved the problem. That is when I felt a warmth on chest and then dribbling down to my stomach. See, as it turns out the lid was sealed that tightly to prevent a person from ruining their shirt. My shirt looked like a Jackson Pollock painting, my light blue polo now speckled with brown.

I had a decision to make. I could not possibly go to work looking like I had been attacked by some sort of hot beverage tossing scoundrels. At this point, though, I was too far from home to go get a fresh unscathed shirt. As it was casual Friday, the thought briefly crossed my mind that I might be able to get away with working shirtless, but I figured the constant ogling of the women in the office would be far too distracting.

I came up with a third solution, one that did not involve either home or partial nudity. I turned my car sharply into the parking lot of the nearest gas station and headed to the bathroom. As I walked through the doors, I could feel each pair of eyes staring at me, each of them wondering why that guy in the filthy clothes had just walked in, passed by every single thing in the shop, and headed directly to the bathroom.

Using the sink, I rinsed the stain out of my shirt. Having not thought about this as clearly as I should have, though, I now realized my shirt was soaked. Not damp, not moist, but fresh from the washing machine soaked. As luck would have it, though, this particular gas station was equipped with hand driers.

I spent the next five minutes meticulously combing over the shirt, trying desperately to dry it. Eventually it went from soaked to soggy. Looking at my watch, I had another tough decision to make. I could either head to work with a soggy shirt or be late and risk the wrath of my boss. Being the devoted employee that I am, I chose option a. I put my moist shirt back on, left the bathroom, ignored the people wondering why the guy with the dirty clothes was now very wet, and headed back out to my car.

That is why I spent the first two hours of my day at work with a soggy back.

I guess the moral of the story is to be happy with what you have. If I had been satisfied with the amount of coffee I was given each drink, I would have been able to drink the entire cup instead of washing the entire cup out of my clothing. It’s a very important lesson.

The other take away: I should start carrying an extra shirt at all times. Apparently, it is a very real need for me.

16 thoughts on “Coffee Can Be A Real Troublemaker Sometimes

  1. Why was your back wet too? Did you manage to dribble over your shoulder? If you didn’t, then why did you wash your entire shirt? Why didn’t you get a wet paper towel? Did you put your shirt on backwards?


  2. I can’t believe I neglected to add “coffee” to the list of things I was addicted to…duh! Thanks for making me laugh out loud. I’m pretty sure most of us have been there- with the cup that won’t dispense, or even the cheap dollar tree cup that does what yours did, unbidden.
    Here’s a fun fact for you, regarding intravenous caffeine- a nurse I work with told me that doctors at a teaching hospital where she once was employed regularly gave themselves caffeine infusions on long shifts. I don’t know if this is bullshit or not, but that was her story!
    Have a great day! I need to go pour myself another cup.


  3. I’m not trying to remember when I last washed my cup at work…and I’m not coming up with any answers, and I’m deeply uncomfortable with that. Botulism…party of one.


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