Entry From A Dog’s Diary, April 11th

Dear diary,

So this is how it ends.

I have been sitting here in the dark for what seems to be hours. I, of course, have no idea how long it has actually been since it can be very difficult to read a clock in the dark. Not that it would matter seeing as how none of the clocks in this house are at dog level anyway.

This evening, I was enjoying a nice time when the humans got up off of the couch, an action that is very unexpected. I don’t know what they could find more exciting than sitting on the couch on a Friday evening, but I have long since learned to not try to figure out what they’re thinking. Logic does not seem to be their strongest skill.

I watched as they put their shoes on, thinking maybe this was some sort of elaborate hoax. It seems they are always trying to trick me. Just the other day, the man took my bone and threw it. I jumped off the couch looking for the bone. I looked and looked. Then I found out that he never threw it at all. He just pretended to throw it and kept it for himself. Humans have the weirdest sense of humor.

Alas, this time it was not a joke.

“We’ll be back,” said the woman as they opened the door. I almost shouted, “Thanks for the invitation,” but it didn’t seem worth it. I knew exactly how this would end.

They walked out the door. This time, though, they did something unexpected. Right before the door closed, the woman’s hand reached inside and flipped the light switch off. There was not a single light on in the apartment. It was just blackness all around me.

“Wait!” I said. “You forgot about the lights! How am I supposed to see anything?” It was too late, though. I heard the key turn the lock and they were gone.

I sat there for a while trying to think what I could do. There aren’t a great number of activities to participate in when one can’t see. I thought about chewing my bone, but there was no possible way to find it. I didn’t even attempt to get to my food dish. That would just end with me slamming head first into the coffee table. I spent a good amount of time licking myself, but without the option of a water break, my mouth became very dry.

What other choice did I have? I laid here. I just laid and waited. With nothing else to do, I silently thought through what I will say to them when they get back.

“Wow, thanks for coming back, guys. I hope you had a good time. Say, did there happen to be any lights where you were at? There were some here too. Then only thing was that NONE OF THE WERE ON! NOT ONE! How would you feel if I started turning lights off on you ?! PROBABLY NOT VERY GOOD, I WOULD BET! I guess it’s okay, though. I had been REALLY needing to catch on my motionless sitting. It’s not like I got enough of that WHEN I WAS LOCKED IN MY PEN FOR NINE HOURS while you were off ‘working!’ Thanks for the doing me that HUGE favor! It’s nice to know that you guys are always looking out for me! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go eat some dry food, assuming you actually remembered to fill my dish up, while you put away your leftovers in the fridge.”

In the end, I came up with a better plan. I slowly crawled off of the couch, carefully avoiding the coffee table. I gingerly walked to the middle of the floor.

Then I pooped. It was a big one too.

When they get home, I hope they’ll recognize that I let them off easy this time.


Until tomorrow,



15 thoughts on “Entry From A Dog’s Diary, April 11th

  1. Ohhhhhh this resulted in such uproarious laughter from me that my cat leapt off my lap and dissapeared out of the study.


  2. Yup. Dogs are sneaky bastards. Mine is prissy about going outside when the grass is wet. He hates it. He’ll tip toe into the backyard, disappear around the corner acting like he’s looking for the perfect spot and then runs back in joyfully and does a bum-shake as though he’s just been to the toilet. So I walk away and leave him to his own devices.

    When I come back, there’s poop on the floor because the bugger KNEW I would believe him and not make him stay outside for longer. This never happens when it hasn’t been raining!


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