10 Tips For Ditching That Winter Weight

  1. Substitute your favorite junk food with a healthy snack. Nothing will derail your weight loss plans quicker than a craving for a bag of Doritos JACKED Ranch Dipped Hot Wings flavored chips. Find a healthier snack to satisfy that craving. This should not be hard as just about anything is healthier.
  2. Pay attention to portion sizes. Did you know that the appropriate portion of meat for a person is three ounces, roughly the size of a bar of soap? Of course not because no one in history has ever eaten three ounces of meat and thought, “Well, that should do it.” If you follow guidelines regarding portion sizes, you will quickly lose weight.
  3. Drink eight 8-ounce glasses of water per day. The human body is 60% water. For it to function correctly, you need water. Think about it this way: you would not expect your car to run efficiently without oil. The body cannot run without water. Plus, you will get a lot of added exercise due to repeated trips to the restroom.
  4. Get plenty of sleep. I will be honest. I have no idea how this helps you lose weight. Everyone always says it does, though. I guess, in the very demanding words of Nike, just do it.
  5. Find a friend that is about to move and help them out. Nothing forces you to exercise like a friend moving. Carrying everything your friends have accumulated throughout the years works out several muscle groups as well as providing some much-needed cardio. You will definitely feel the burn after hauling a solid oak dresser to a U-Haul truck. Moving is essentially like CrossFit except there is far more furniture involved. Bonus points if that friend’s home involves stairs.
  6. Find another friend that is moving and repeat this process. That first workout was so fun, you should do it again. Ask around. Odds are you have another friend who is moving.
  7. Continue to find friends that are moving. If you are out of friends that are moving, go make new friends with the single caveat of your friendship being that they are, in fact, about to need help moving.
  8. Move yourself. Have you literally scoured the entire city for someone who is moving and come up empty? No worries. You yourself have an entire house full of crap. Move that crap into a new house. The results are the same, plus you get to move away from that neighbor that thinks its okay to only wear boxers and a t-shirt when getting the mail.
  9. Start robbing houses. Okay, granted this is not a great idea. If you are still really desperate for a workout, you can just break into a house and start moving the junk that those people own. If you are having moral issues with this, get an added workout by moving your innocent victim’s possessions back in at double speed while they are at the police department filing a police report.
  10. Avoid the post-move pizza. Every move is followed by pizza. If you want to lose weight, you should probably skip that.

6 thoughts on “10 Tips For Ditching That Winter Weight

  1. Maybe finance is the answer here. Buy a new car. You will be reluctant to eat whilst driving because you don’t want to mess it up. Also buy new clothes. Same rules apply. Invest in $50 lipstick. You’ll certainly be reluctant to rub that off with food.

    And perhaps they say that extra sleep helps you lose weight because you cannot eat while you’re asleep – especially if you’re snuggled in linen sheets with a hand quilted silk bedspread with duck feather pillows.


  2. I was about to launch into a bit of a diatribe about losing weight being so difficult when you changed tactics & started moving in the comedy direction! Thank goodness I didn’t have to go all freaky on you! 😉


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