Thanks For Commenting. Now Please Leave Me Alone.

Almost two years ago, I wrote a little post regarding a berry. Now, this was not a blackberry or blueberry or snozberry. This was a berry that I had never heard of before and it promptly changed my world.

It was the Yumberry.

Having never heard of this, I decided to do a bit of research and what I found was that the Yumberry was native to China. Using this information, I carefully crafted this post, playing on the pride Americans have when it comes to… well, anything. I declared that we had fallen behind in berry production and that our botanists needed to step up their game.

Earlier today, I stood up to get a cup of coffee forgetting that I had gotten a cup a half hour ago, so you can imagine I had completely forgotten about this post. That was until the following comment came through from a person who goes by the name Astro Nomical:

The problem with Americans is that they don’t seem to see the real picture, here. (You just -KNOW- when you start a sentence with, “the problem with Americans is….” you’re PROBABLY gonna start a fight… lulzzzz!~…)
I mean, I KNOW you guys put SO much effort into beating everyone else, but let’s face it: it doesn’t take a genius to look up the history of the Yang-Mei (AKA – in America – the “YUMBERRY”). This delicious fruit has been cultivated (and, of course, CELEBRATED) throughout China for -THOUSANDS OF YEARS-. Nobody “MADE” the Yangmei. Nobody DESIGNED this fruit by genetically engineering every delicious aspect of other fruits into ONE, either. The -ONLY- reason this incredible fruit has gained fame NOW is because of this “magical superfruits will cure us all of obesity and stupidity!” phase your country is going through. When you guys finally decide to grow the F*@! up, maybe China will be more forthcoming with their OTHER wonderful foodie secrets (because thank GOD that -THEY- haven’t destroyed their food supply with lethal chemicals and genetically engineered strains of produce – yet, anyway.)…
..But, hey, you were right about one thing: America -HAS- gotten lazy(-ier).

Obviously, our friend Astro did not catch my very thick sarcasm .

Then, to top things off, Audi Driver commented on a post about how I dislike people who back into parking spots:

I thought I’d point out the stupidity of this article. Go talk to a driving instructor. Statistically it’s safer to back in. You also are likely to damage the front valence on your car.

While your diagram is nice, it’s not factual. It’s extremely easy to park backing in.

Posting articles like this is just irresponsible.

As a highly self-critical individual, you would think this would irritate me to no end, but it does not. See, I have come to a realization in life. After spending time on the internet and reading many comment sections, it has come to my attention that all people are miserable crapbags. They will go out of their way to complain about something. Often times, they will do this with poor spelling, punctuation, and grammar.

If you do not believe me, I have a quick trivia question. I have below three comments. Please take a second to identify which comment is a real comment that was posted on a recent Yahoo! news article:

asdasdsada: “what a #$%$ article”

clevon: “#$%$…more racism from fool white boys.”

Dago T: “So grateful for cameras every#$%$ingwhere and for the internet. How did we live before we had the opportunity to share these precious moments?

Boo! Stop the presses…”

This, of course, was a trick question. They are all real. Bonus points if you guessed the headline of the article was “Dodgers locker monster startles the heck out of poor Juan Uribe.”

Yes, people will all go out of their way to complain about anything. Every “Saturday Night Live” article has at least fifty comments saying “SNL sucks now. I haven’t watched it since Akroyd left.” Every political article has someone saying that Barack Obama/John Boehner is out to destroy the world because nothing would make them happier than the destruction of all mankind. Every human interest piece has a comment labeling that person as dumb, worthless, or any other sort of insulting adjective that the commenter can dream up. It is a terrible noxious part of the internet.

How do people get this way? Were the inhabitants of the internet not hugged enough as a child?

The better question, though, would be how to fix this. Maybe if there was free therapy offered to anyone who frequents the comment section of the internet, there would be more constructive comments. Either that or there would be dozens of very frustrated therapists contemplating giving up their profession.

As far as I can figure, there is only one way to fix this: more cats. Yes we already have Keyboard Cat and Lolcatz and Grumpy Cat and Hamilton the Hipster Cat… the list is seemingly endless. I propose that above every comment section, this picture should be posted:

How could anyone say anything mean with this looking them in the face?

I hope that this post goes viral. Not for my own selfish reasons, but because I know exactly how the comments would turn out. Right below the person who has typed “First” and above the person who is spouting political rhetoric will be the most ironic comment this post could ever have:

“This is the most @#$@! post ive ever red! The internet isnt negateve. If you think it is, your a idiot!”


15 thoughts on “Thanks For Commenting. Now Please Leave Me Alone.

    • Apparently you are not saying reckless and dangerous things like “I don’t like when people back into parking spaces.” If you said some very controversial things like that, then you can bet that one year later, some random guy would leave a rude comment.


      • Interestingly, the most obnoxious comment I’ve gotten came from a person who was critical of me for not making my own birdseed. She thought I was persecuting the birds AND supporting Chinese dictators by (gasp) buying commercially produced birdseed instead of making my own hand-made seed. Really – they have people for that. Making one’s own bird seed would be akin to growing your own wheat, harvesting it, grinding it and then making your own bread from the flour. And maybe cutting your own wood to fire the oven for the baking of the bread too. Or, producing your own electricity for the oven by capturing your waste water and running it through a turbine system that you welded yourself.


      • Wait…. you don’t make your own birdseed?! How DARE you?! Leave my blog this instant.

        Okay, you can stay. I’m sorry I snapped at you.

        How do Chinese dictators relate to commercially produced birdseed?


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