The Age of Noah Has Arrived

In America, the number one selling book is The Bible. It is a cornerstone to the faith of many here in this fine country to the point that if a person goes into court, telling a lie after touching The Bible and promising you will not lie will get you a nice perjury charge. When the president is sworn into office, he is sworn in on The Bible. According to the American Bible Society, a society solely devoted to The Bible in America, 88% of households have a copy of God’s New York Times bestseller. Out of those 88%, there is an average of 4.4 Bibles per house and 80% of America holds this book sacred.

It’s no surprise after hearing this that The Bible has been mined for some media gold. Who can forget Mel Gibson’s “Passion of the Christ” or the incomparable “The Ten Commandments”? Then there are movies that interpolate biblical stories such as “Ben Hur”. There is even a new movie coming out telling the story of Jesus called “Son of God”. Of course the stories of Jesus, Moses, and a guy who ends up in a very dangerous chariot race have been done to death. Searching for new biblical gold, the attention has been turned to one man.

It’s Noah’s turn to shine.

For those who are unfamiliar with the story of Noah, we will take a minute to lay it out. In the Old Testament times, people had become very unpleasant. They were pretty much the worst. Seeing this, God found a guy named Noah who was not so bad and spoke to him.

“Hey Noah,” God said.

“AAAAAAA!!!!!!!” Noah replied, unsure of where that voice was coming from. Once he figured it out, he apologized for his abrupt reaction.

“Okay, so here’s the deal. People are really awful. So, to fix that problem, I’m going to flood the planet,” God explained.

“Oh. That’s a bummer.” Noah was not thrilled about the prospects of drowning to death, so he understandably was not thrilled about this plan.

“No, you didn’t let me finish. You aren’t going to drown. You’re going to make a huge boat. Then you will fill it with a bunch of animals and stay on it for 40 days.”

“Animals?” Noah asked. “What will we do when they… you know… I mean, they have to use the bathroom at some point while on this boat.”

“You’ll figure it out,” God said. “This boat needs to be 300 cubits long, 50 wide, and 30 high, so you better get started soon.”

“Uh… what’s a cubit?” Noah felt sheepish asking this, but he had not built a lot of gigantic boats so this was all new to him.

“It’s the length from the elbow to the tip of the middle finger.”

“The length of MY elbow to MY middle finger or, like, my wife Naamah? Her cubit is quite a bit shorter than mine, so that seems like a pretty big difference.”

Exasperated, God replied, “Use your cubit, Noah.”

“Oh, okay. That sounds like a good plan.”

Noah built this boat, all the while listening to those non-boat builders taunting him. They called him all kinds of names like “Boat Boy” and “Noah, the guy who spends too much time building boats.” In those times, they were not great at insults.

Finally, Noah loaded the boat up with all of the animals and his family. There was a flood, but they were in a boat so it really was no big deal. Then the water went away and they left the boat which, I would imagine, was a big relief because a huge boat filled with animals would not smell great.

It’s about time this story was brought to the silver screen, so thankfully Darren Aronofsky got to work. He cast Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connelly, and Emma Watson because when anyone heard this story in Sunday School growing up, they pictured an angry New Zealander, a New Yorker, and Hermione jammed onto the ark together. Finally Noah’s story will become the big spring blockbuster that it should be.

Now, a word of warning for you: the movie is apparently not 100% accurate. After much debate with the National Religious Broadcasters, Paramount has added the following warning to the beginning of the film for people who might have wandered into the theater thinking they were about to watch an informational documentary:

The film is inspired by the story of Noah. While artistic license has been taken, we believe that this film is true to the essence, values, and integrity of a story that is a cornerstone of faith for millions of people worldwide. The biblical story of Noah can be found in the book of Genesis.

I guess we cannot trust Hollywood to get the story right.

As if that were not enough great news for those Arkheads (a fun nickname that fans of Noah like to use when referring to themselves), they will soon enough get to spend time on an actual life-sized replica of an ark. Several years ago, Ken Ham planned an amusement park called the “Ark Encounter” where people can experience what it would be like to be on the actual ark. I mean, it will be a bit different in the sense that the animals are animatronic and will not be filling the ark with their doody, but people will probably get the gist.

After a big budgeting issue, the state of Kentucky decided to use municipal bonds to raise the $73 million it will take to finish the park. This should be done by 2016, just in time for Russell Crowe to reprise his role for “Noah 2: Return to the Ark.”

Of course, now that Noah has been covered, there are not a lot of biblical stories left for the world to use for monetary gain tell. I guess there is still Abraham, though audiences will most likely have an issue with the scene where he almost kills his son Isaac.

That’s in the future, though. We are now in the era of Noah. This is his chance to make a run for America’s favorite religious figure. He has a bunch of animals, a boat, and gigantic beard. There is something for everyone.

If nothing else, we will all know exactly what a cubit is by the time it is all said and done. That counts for something, I suppose.


7 thoughts on “The Age of Noah Has Arrived

    • The general plot of Noah 2 takes place about 1 year later. After leaving the Ark, Noah realizes that he has left his tunic onboard. Inside that tunic is a lottery ticket that he found out is a winner. He has a week to get that ticket and redeem before it is declared void. The real star of the film is Breaking Bad’s Aaron Paul as Noah’s wise cracking servant Mehida.


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