Entry From A Dog’s Diary, February 11th

Dear diary,

It seems like I have very little to look forward to most days. I’ve heard that in some places, dogs like me do useful things like hunting. Unfortunately, the humans won’t bring in live animals inside and when we are outside, they absolutely refuse to let me hunt down and kill anything. They won’t even let me go after the obnoxious Maltese next door no matter how much she barks. They can be very unreasonable.

Because of this, I am stuck inside looking forward to two things. First is my sleep. If I don’t get my 18 hours each day, I am an absolute wreck. I guess that is the one plus of being an apartment dog. Sure, I may never get to fulfill my God-given right to hunt and kill every living creature I can, but at least I will be well-rested.

The other thing I look forward to is food. I spend most of my time thinking about eating when I’m not sleeping. Sometimes I’ll find a piece of food that has fallen on the floor. The humans are very bad at getting food in their mouths, so it happens far more often than it should. To think that THEY are supposedly the most evolved creatures on the planet…

Most of the time, though, I am stuck with that awful kibble. It is not good. In fact, I would say it’s very bad. Having tasted human food, I know what real food tastes like. Let’s just say I don’t see the humans lining up for a bite from my dish every night.

Still, though, I look forward to it for some reason. I guess it’s probably because it keeps me alive, but for whatever reason I find myself eagerly awaiting the humans’ arrival home. Every day, they arrive, let me out of the terrible pen, then proceed to pour food into my dish. It seems like their life would be easier if they would just allow me access to the food myself, but nothing they do ever seems that logical.

Take, for instance, the other day.

Just like usual, the man came in the door. He let me out and I did my usual routine of running about the apartment and jumping on his legs. I’ve learned that humans eat this crap up. Their massive egos tell them that I’m excited to see them. If they thought about it for a second, they might realize I just wanted out of my pen, but I wouldn’t expect them to put that much thought into anything.

“Do you want some food?” he asked.

“Yes, that would be nice,” I said back. I wanted to play it cool. There is no reason to make him think I am that excited about it. I don’t want to look needy, after all.

He picked up the dish, filling one side with water. Then, bringing it back, he sat it down on the floor. That’s when I noticed the problem. Normally, the water is on the right and the food goes on the left. This time, however, the dolt had set the bowl down the wrong way. I watched as he scooped the food up and I waited. Surely he would realize it.

That’s when he dumped my food directly into the water, creating some sort of kibble soup. I used to think that the worst thing about my food was how dry it is. I can say that, without a doubt, it is not better wet. It turned into a soggy disgusting brown liquid that no self-respecting dog would ever eat. I wouldn’t even sniff that garbage. I sat there looking at it and waited for him to rectify the situation.

He turned around and walked away.

“Hey! You put my food in the water, you idiot! Fix this immediately!” I commanded. I don’t like to be that demanding of the humans, but sometimes they need it. He just continued walking, acting as though he had no idea I was saying anything to him.

I followed. For the next twenty minutes I followed him, trying to get his attention. I would walk to him, then back to the dish, muttering some very colorful words along the way. Finally, he got the hint and looked at the dish.

“Oh, I put your food in the water,” he said. “Gross.” Yes, it was gross. It was very gross. That was what I had been trying to say to him, but no one ever pays attention to the dog. How am I supposed to depend on these people to take care of me when they can’t handle a simple task like dumping to COMPLETELY SEPARATE things into two COMPLETELY SEPARATE sides of a container?! It’s a miracle I haven’t starved to death yet. I guess the lack of motor skills explains why he has so much trouble eating his own food.

As I said before, to think that they are supposedly the most evolved creatures on the planet…


Until tomorrow,


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