The Official Most Important Ultimate Response to the State of the Union Address

Greetings my fellow Americans. Tonight, the President of these here United States delivered his state of the Union address. Let me begin by congratulating President Obama on being President. I know he has been president for a while now, so I guess it’s pretty rude to wait this long to congratulate him on being elected, but I’ve been busy with a lot of things. I have a lot going on. Don’t worry about me. I’m keeping busy.

Tonight was a historical speech, one of the best in the history of speeches. There were a lot of words. Also some punctuation. It was, without a doubt, one of the best punctuated speeches of all time. Not a missed comma or period anywhere. There were very few run-on sentences.

Early in the speech, the president used the word rancorous. I then missed the next fifteen minutes of the speech trying to figure out what the word rancorous means. By the time I figured out that he was describing the attitude in government as “characterized by bitterness or resentment,” I had completely forgotten what the context was for what he was saying. I will assume that the things he said during this time was all very accurate.

A major part of the President’s message spoke about the economy. He began by listing Americans who had worked today such as teachers and factory workers. I don’t know the people he was speaking about, but it sounds like they do a really good job at work, so kudos to them. He spoke on the manufacturing sector’s job production, the cutting of deficits, and increased investments from rich people around the world.

While all of these things may or may not be true (Remember how busy I’ve been? No time to research, that’s for sure.), I would like to point out things that President Obama did not address. For instance, the soda in my company’s vending machine is up to $1.50. I mean, how can we say that America’s economy is back when the price of soda is over $1? For the hard working American’s like myself, it is a slap to the face watching the beverage middle class be destroyed as the sodas of the world are relegated to the wealthy who happen to always have quarters on them.

President Obama’s proposal to close tax loopholes for businesses that are shipping jobs overseas may have gotten a big standing ovation (As did every single thing he said), but I think that is some big talk. I mean, how do we plan on closing tax loopholes? What are we looping? Like, a rope or something? Do we even know what a loophole is? It is going to be mighty hard to close something when we are not completely sure what it is. I think the President’s negligence in identifying exactly what a loophole is profoundly disappointing. A congressional committee should be formed immediately to research this.

As far as fixing the “broken immigration system” is concerned, I think we are focusing on the wrong thing. Sure, the President can suggest that we fix this system, but I think the more important thing is figuring out how it broke in the first place. I mean, how can we fix it if we don’t know how it broke? Is it just a small piece that broke or a really major piece like a sprocket? We do not need a broken immigration sprocket. This is why we can’t have nice things, America!

I personally applaud the President’s efforts to improve our failing educational system. It is important that we focus on our country’s future. He was quick to point out how important high quality early education is to children, requesting that the country invest more into state Pre-Kindergarten programs. While this is good, I do not feel that the President has gone nearly far enough. Why not start earlier? I say the President’s ignoring of Pre-pre-kindergarten is a real shame and a major missed opportunity. If there was a way to figure out pre-natal education, we should do that.

Actually, get the scientists on that. It seems like a great idea.

At this point, my wife made a grilled cheese sandwich. It was delicious. I think there was cheddar on it, but I am not too sure. Anyway, there was a bunch of insurance stuff and military things. I also had soup with my sandwich. Needless to say, I was not paying full attention to the President. Maybe if he too had been eating a grilled cheese, I would have paid closer attention.

In conclusion, we can all agree that the things the President said were right on point. Or maybe they were way off point depending on your point of view. Okay, can we agree that there is a point that he was either on or off of?

All I know is that we ca all agree that a grilled cheese sandwich is delicious, particularly when paired with a tomato basil soup.


6 thoughts on “The Official Most Important Ultimate Response to the State of the Union Address

  1. As well punctuated as the speech may have been, I can’t say I was a fan of the font in which it was delivered. I was also hoping for an update on Bo’s most recent antics, and felt the lack of references to the beloved family pet was a major oversight on Obama’s part.


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