Dear person sitting near me on my flight home,
Hello. I am the gentleman from row 21. If you’re sitting there worried that you met me and don’t remember my name, you can stop worrying. We have never met. I’m not even sure where you are currently sitting on this plane. As far as I know, we only share two things in common. First, we both have chosen the flying machine for travel. Secondly is we can both smell your food.
I would like to speak to you about the latter.
I don’t know what you brought on the plane. To me, it smells like beef stew. Maybe it is something else beef related. Beef Stroganov, an entire roast. I don’t know what you like to travel with.
I myself have enjoyed these foods many times. They are always quite delicious. The difference between when I enjoy them and when you do it is I feel that these foods are meant for the privacy of one’s own home. When you are in an enclosed space, maybe you should avoid foods that smell like stewed meats.
To make this a bit easier, I have made a list of acceptable foods:
-Sandwiches (As long as they have not been made with fragrant cheeses or any sort of stewed meat.)
-Anything with the word “fruit” in it
-Plastic, though I’m not sure why you would want to. It wouldn’t offend me if you did, though.
You will notice, I hope, that this list does not include anything that involves dead animals. That is because those foods tend to make the entire plane smell like garbage. I don’t know about you, but I prefer my enclosed spaces to smell NOTHING like garbage.
Now, to make sure you understand, I would like you to identify the foods that are not acceptable for airplanes out of this list:
A) Stewed meats
D) Chinese food
That was a trick question. They are ALL unacceptable. If you did not choose all four, you really should go review my extensive list again.
Someday we may meet. You may walk up to me and apologize for having your beef on this flight, stinking up the entire plane. I will graciously accept your apology. Until then, though, you are enemy number one. You are the worst person on the planet in all of history and no I am not exaggerating.
There is the possibility, I suppose, that it is not food at all, but rather your very unpleasant body odor. If this is the case, I apologize. You really should see a doctor about that.