Cheesepocalypse Surely Spells Out Doom and Utter Destruction For Humanity

This is a world without Velveeta.

Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t want to alarm or cause panic, but we are on the verge of a major disaster the likes of which the world has never seen. This calamity makes the Hindenburg look like nothing. The Titanic pales in comparison. I fear that if this disaster comes to light, the streets will be filled with rioting and looting.

There is a Velveeta shortage. I’ll give you a second to panic before we continue.

Ready? Okay, let’s carry on.

A few weeks ago, grocery patrons began to notice that the most important staple of their diet was missing from store shelves. They were forced to look places like milk or yogurt to get their servings of dairy, like they could beat that 13% of your daily calcium per serving.

“Given the incredible popularity of Velveeta this time of year, it is possible consumers may not be able to find their favorite product on store shelves over the next couple of weeks,” Kraft spokeswoman Jody Moore said in an email to Advertising Age. “Our retail customers are aware of the situation and we expect it to be a short-term issue.”

What? For the foreseeable future there will be no processed cheese-like products on the shelf? What will people do with their cans of Ro*Tel? How will we replace those 5 grams of protein per serving in our diet? And…what will become of the Super Bowl, America’s number one excuse to shovel pasteurized processed cheese product spread in their pie holes like no tomorrow?

Now would be a great time for Velveeta’s competitors to step up and fill the void. The problem with that is, of course, there are none! No competitors! Go ahead, name just one. I’m waiting. No, generics don’t count. And for those jokers out there that suggested “real” cheese, take a hike. We don’t take kindly to your kind around here with your fancy cheddars and swisses. I mean, what is a gouda anyway?

I guess you could serve a different kind of dip at your Super Bowl party. humus is okay, but it just doesn’t have that artery clogging goodness that I’ve come to expect from my game day foods. I love salsa, but that is also no good. Guacamole, bean dip, ranch dip. No, no, no.

I can just imagine the NFL panicking now. “What do you mean there’s no Velveeta? You mean people are going to just have to WATCH the game without cheese dip? Go ahead and start giving the advertisers their money back…”

Worse, what if we never have Velveeta again? The Velveeta that is left on the shelves could very well be the last Velveeta the world will ever see. If that’s the case, investing in Velveeta seems like a great retirement plan. I would recommend cashing in that 401(k) immediately, taking all of your hard-earned money to the store and buying any Velveeta you can get your greasy little fingers on. In 10 years, the value is sure to have tripled.

This really could be the end of civilization as we know it. The good news, I guess, is that there is no shortage of chicken wings for the Super Bowl.

At least for now…


8 thoughts on “Cheesepocalypse Surely Spells Out Doom and Utter Destruction For Humanity

  1. Nathan, we have no Velveeta in Australia, we survive just fine, difficult to understand, I know, but there you have it. We do have Kraft Cheese Spread though, which is pretty delicious and seems to be (after googling) a slightly more liquid version of velveeta. Condolences for your loss!


  2. Take a deep breath and calm down—everything is going to be just fine. It is a simple task to make your own Velveeta just like Kraft does… take one envelope of the Kraft Dinner “cheese” and mix it into a fist-sized knot of Play Doh (any colour). What our Aussie friend is talking about might be what we call Cheese Whiz, which is a passable substitute for Velveeta because it’s made of the same stuff but I use it to tweak the consistency of my home-mix.


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