The Government Shutdown: Where’s The Anarchy?

A few months ago, I downloaded the CNN app for my phone. This seemed like a great idea at the time. Anytime any breaking news was uncovered, I would be alerted immediately. I had at the time forgotten that almost all news is terrible. I was made aware of every single murder that happened to be considered “breaking news,” natural disasters, train derailments, or anything else that might cause you to finally buy that panic room you’ve always thought of getting.

Last night, my CNN panic alert went off. I sighed and picked it up, wondering what terrible horrific happenstance had taken place. Maybe an asteroid had hit the planet, killing and dismembering every adorable puppy on earth. The precedent had been set for this to be terrible news.

Instead, I was alerted to something new, something unprecedented. It seemed that the United States government had been shut down.

The idea of the government shutting down was a bit scary, but I’ll admit I was a little excited. I have seen dozens of post-apocalyptic thrillers in my life. With no government, we were sure to slip into an Armageddon. Talk about exciting! I lay there thinking of what I owned that could double as a weapon to hold off the marauding hoards as rioting broke out. I was going to be just like Sylvester Stallone in “Judge Dredd” but with the ability to speak clearly.

I got up and prepped for work. I took a deep breath before opening the door, fully prepared for what awaited me outside. The knob turned and as the door opened, I saw an empty hallway. Apparently the hordes had already moved on to burning cars and looting. That was good for them because I was ready to bust through a horde. They wouldn’t have even known what hit them.

I got in my car and drove. I was very alert, watching for anything out of the ordinary. It was just a matter of time until someone tried to punch out my windshield to get to me. When the prospects of absolute anarchy are afoot, you can’t be too careful

Turning the corner, I saw a police officer giving someone a ticket. This was very confusing. The way I’ve always understood it, the government controls the police. If the government were to shut down, I feel like it is a reasonable assumption that the police force would ALSO shut down. Maybe this was a renegade vigilante cop handing out renegade vigilante tickets. I don’t know where you would pay these fines, but rest assured that renegade cop would track you down if you didn’t.

I continued on and noticed something. Nothing was weird. In fact, everything seemed in order just like it was every morning. There were no fires, no rioting. No one was shouting or screaming. I didn’t see one person running down the street. There was no anarchy at all.

What a bummer.

Apparently the main thing that seems to close based on all of the news reports, are National Parks, museums, and a few select organizations. Unless you’re concerned that U.S. Commission of Fine Arts  won’t be able to do whatever it is that the U.S. Commission of Fine Arts does, you probably won’t notice too much of a difference.

I guess I’ll have to keep waiting for a chance to see how I would fare as society breaks down and humans revert to their animalistic nature to survive. It’s bound to happen anyway.

I’m sure my phone will let me know when it does.


4 thoughts on “The Government Shutdown: Where’s The Anarchy?

  1. Don’t forget to carry your Constitutionally demanded fire arm. You could be in terrible danger if that well measured organ, the US Government, is not watching over you. I don’t envy the lot of those unprotected National Parks. Bears will be worried that no one is shooting at them…it’s a disaster.


  2. This was hilarious, Nathan – thanks for a giggle this morning! On the other hand, my brother is one who just got furloughed. He’s a civilian auditor for the Air Force, and as such, is “non-essential.” Kids in elementary and high school, wife was stay-at-home mom and now substitute teaches. This is after he was already furloughed for a couple weeks earlier this year, and they’re still trying to recover from that. I’m a staunch conservative, but not a tea-party follower. The whole situation is ridiculous.

    Anyway, I won’t be posting a link on facebook out of respect for my brother, but I’ll be forwarding this to a few other people. Keep it up!


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