Oh Sure… Global Warming is All My Fault…

Mean surface temperature change for 1999–2008 ...

Mean surface temperature change for 1999–2008 relative to the average temperatures from 1940 to 1980 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The United Nations is renowned for sticking their noses in people’s business. Anywhere in the world, you are likely to find the U.N. insisting that countries protect human rights, alleviate poverty, or avoid starting a gigantic world war that is destined to destroy us all.

I mean, talk about intrusive!

Once again, the U.N. has made it their job to ensure that the planet survives. The Nazi’s in charge of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change put together a study. We’ll call this study the “OH CRAP! WHERE DID THE POLAR ICE CAPS GO?!” study. In it, the IPCC uncovered some very enlightening findings.

“It is extremely likely that more than half of the observed increase in global average surface temperature from 1951 to 2010 was caused by the anthropogenic increase in greenhouse gas concentrations and other anthropogenic forcings together,” said the IPCC.

So mankind is responsible for more than half of global warming? Okay, maybe we should be concerned. Or maybe everyone should just get off my back already.

If I want to idle my car for two hours every day to make sure the engine is warmed up before I drive, I don’t see any problem with that. It’s my prerogative and no one from the U.N. can convince me that a properly warmed up car engine is less important than preserving the planet. Sure, I may love to use Aerosol cans for everything and yes, when I’m done with those cans, I love to have a large Aerosol bonfire. Nothing is quite as pleasant as dousing empty cans in gasoline and watching them burn.

I think it’s time that instead of focusing on my shortcomings, scientists turn their efforts elsewhere. According to the IPCC, they are 95% certain that this study stating man has caused global warming is correct. 95% certain? That means there is a 5% chance I have nothing to do with it.

According to an article on Foxnews.com, the best source for accurate and unbiased news, the report also mentioned that perhaps, just perhaps, part of global warming could be caused by volcanoes, oceans, or solar activity.

Maybe instead of spending so much time on studies, scientists should try to stop the warming caused by these monsters. I’ve thought for a quite a while that the sun is out to get us. Why else would people have to wear special glasses just to avoid going blind? Plus it’s a giant ball of fire. That definitely can’t help the warming issue. If I were in charge, I would find a way to wrap a giant lens around the planet to protect us from those deadly UV rays. This seems like the practical solution, though slathering the planet in sunscreen is also a viable choice.

Once we’re done with that, we should look at those volcanoes. A giant tub of hot melted rock? I’m not sure how many ice cubes we would have to use to cool those things down, but I think maybe we should look into that. If that doesn’t work, we could create some sort of machine to blow on the lava like it is hot soup.

We should even think outside the box. Maybe aliens are trying to burn us with a gigantic magnifying glass. I wouldn’t put it past them. I read War of the Worlds and they aren’t exactly the friendliest group.

The truth is there are literally millions of things that could cause the type of climate change we are hearing about. A 5% margin of error is huge! It could be caused by animals or maybe Justin Bieber is solely responsible. It could be the moon or giant squids, maybe the Sasquatch.

I mean, it can’t be that the simplest answer is the correct one, could it? Mankind couldn’t possibly be to blame. That would certainly be very inconvenient…

5 thoughts on “Oh Sure… Global Warming is All My Fault…

    • I don’t know how many more, but I would guess several dozen. I feel guilty blaming cows, though. I like to eat them, so it seems the least I could do would be to not blame them for the world’s problems.


  1. Well you could at least repent a little and stop smoking this hot pipe. And while you’re at it, tell your dog to stop farting as well. That might just do the trick and stop global warming.


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