America Loses the One Thing We Can Do: Be Fat

There was a time that America was the best at everything. The world looked towards us for financial leadership. Our educational system was top-notch. We had become one of the leading forces in the world.

Those days, though, are long past us.

More recently, America has ruled the world in only a few things: number of Kardashians, most “real housewives,” grandest canyon. The biggest thing we had going for us, though, was heft. We as a country had grown bigger and bigger until soon there were millions of rotund spherical humans lumbering down the street and riding on mechanical scooters because they were too fat to walk through a store when buying more food.

We worked hard on this, adding bacon onto things, then adding more bacon, then, when that bacon wasn’t potent enough anymore, we tried deep-frying it. Doctors warned us how unhealthy this was, so instead we tried deep-frying everything else. Eventually, doctors warned us we had grown so much we were in danger of exploding. No one could hear them, though, over the crunch of their Doritos flavored taco.

Nothing made us prouder than our gluttony. We even invented contests for people to showcase how much food they could shove in their fat mouths. When the world thought of America, they thought obesity. Sure, our educational system had dropped out of the top 25, the dollar was less valuable than many currencies and our government, once a prized demonstration of democracy in action, had become a laughing-stock of lunatics arguing, but we still had our fat.

Well, wait to go America. You let that slip away from us too.

According to the United Nations Food and Agricultural Organization, or UNFAO, Mexico has officially surpassed America in obesity with 32.8% of adults now being obese. That puts them a full 1% fatter than we are.

I have never been more ashamed to be an American. The one thing, the ONLY thing, we could say we were good at just slipped through our fingers. It’s like hearing about a great athlete who worked as hard as he could to become the top at his sport, and then when everyone recognized how good he was, he let freaking Mexico become fatter than him! Yes, I know this is a flawed analogy, but I am just too livid to come up with a better one. I mean, MEXICO?!

On paper it makes sense. All Mexican food consists of the same ingredients: cheese, meat, beans, tortillas. In some form or another, this is it. Maybe we should work harder on our foods to regain our title. We could take a hamburger and then, instead of a bun, use two OTHER hamburgers! I mean, we really need to start thinking outside the box.

The quickest way to solve this problem, though, and regain our heavyweight title is a solution that has been looking us in the face all along. While Congress is busy fighting over how immigration should be handled, we should open the borders completely… for anyone with a body mass index over 30. Anyone under that, no chance. You’re staying in the new skinny Mexico. Go eat a few dozen burritos and come try again.

This is a desperate time. We have lost completely lost our identity. It’s sad, really. This is the land of innovation, though. The country that thought said “Hey, that mountain that no one cares about in South Dakota? Let’s carve some faces in it!” The land that thought of the ice cream cake, the world’s most perfect dessert specifically because it combines several desserts into one. Together, we can do anything.

Now go fry some bacon and get to work. It’s what the founding fathers would want.

Related Articles

• Mexico Is Now A Fatter Country Than America (businessinsider.com)
• Mexico Surpasses U.S. as World’s Fattest Nation (newsy.com)
• Mexico surpasses U.S. as world’s fattest nation (washingtontimes.com)
• Mexico Replaces America As World’s Fattest Populous Nation; Weight Related Diabetes Claims More Lives In A Year Than Six Of Gangland Warfare (hngn.com)