Mars: Just Like Earth, But Redder and Not As Easy To Live On

Mars, 2001, with the southern polar ice cap vi...

Mars, 2001, with the southern polar ice cap visible on the bottom. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The world can be a depressing place. There are all sorts of terrible things happening at any one time. Just today, someone at work drank the last of the coffee and DIDN’T MAKE ANY MORE! I MEAN, WHAT ARE WE, BARBARIANS?! JUST MAKE THE COFFEE! IT TAKES ALL OF 30 SECONDS! AND WHILE WE’RE AT IT, MAYBE DUMP YOUR USED FILTERS IN THE TRASH! NO ONE WANTS YOUR LEFTOVER COFFEE TRASH SITTING IN THE MACHINE FOR HOURS AT A TIME! YOU DISGUST ME!

I seem to have gotten off on a tangent. The point is one could easily become upset with the way the world is going. We have global warming melting the polar ice caps and people denying that the polar ice caps are melting because of global warming, ignoring, of course, the fact that either way we are all bound to die in giant polar ice cap fueled floods. Countries are threatening to shoot nuclear missiles at each other on a semi-regular basis.  I like to call that nuclear warhead season. Everyone is either getting fatter and fatter until their hearts give out or starving to death. People are paranoid of dying of cancer, yet they still continually place an electronic device that sends signals into outer space as close to their brains as possible.

Sometimes, it seems like it’s time to cut our losses and head to the next planet that we can slowly destroy through greed and stupidity. Apparently, I’m not the only one that thinks this.

On April 22, a nonprofit organization named Mars One opened up an application process for people to become the first colonists on Mars. The plan is simple: in 2023, it will cost roughly $6 billion to put four people on Mars. This company plans to get this money by creating reality TV shows showcasing astronauts trying to figure out how to survive on an alien planet.

After just two weeks, over 78,000 people have applied.

“With 78,000 applications in two weeks, this is turning out to be the most desired job in history,” said Mars One CEO and cofounder Bas Lansdorp. Bas has done a great job bringing credibility to this project, in part because his name sounds as if he himself is from the red planet.

The group is right on their way to reaching 500,000 by the August 31st deadline. That doesn’t mean, though, that they couldn’t use some help. With that in mind, I have officially named myself the first ever head of tourism for Mars. I’ve already written the first brochure:


Tired of the headaches and worries that come with life on the planet Earth? That rush hour traffic and smog got you feeling down? Where should a person go to find relief from these daily pains? Look no further than the Red Planet ©!

Located amongst the iron oxide of the planet’s surface, you will find everything you need! Wide open spaces allow for a long walk with a loved one. Then watch Phobos and Deimos rise into the night sky. That’s right, the Red Planet © has TWO MOONS!

There’s no reason to feel self-conscious about your body during bikini season here on the Red Planet ©! That’s because everyone weighs 38% of what they would on Earth! Sounds like one heck of a diet to me!

Nothing catches the beauty of a planet like a beautiful dust storm kicking up that iron oxide. Imagine a cloud of beauty wafting at you! That’s a can’t miss! (Note from scientists, these storms can be very dangerous and, like, kill you and stuff. Sounds like something the kids should probably stay home for!)

Plus we have ALIENS! No, not really. Or maybe we do! You’ll never know until you come!

So fly over to the Red Planet ©! We’ll be waiting for you!

We meaning humans, not aliens. Or maybe aliens. Just visit.

8 thoughts on “Mars: Just Like Earth, But Redder and Not As Easy To Live On

  1. I was amazed when I heard how many people wanted to sign up for a trip to Mars. Do they realise it’s one way? Do they know that there will not be Mars Bars there when they get there, if they get there?


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