New Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos Doritos: What?

In America’s search for new foods to shove in our mouths, a great deal of unnecessary foods have been created. At some point in the 1970’s, someone decided that having to use two jars was far too much work. Thus peanut butter and jelly were swirled in jar, saving millions of people a full 10 seconds PER SANDWICH! Then someone decided even using a single jar was too much work and packaged frozen Uncrustables, for that parent on the go who would rather not take the two minutes required for a crustless PB&J.

While many of these foods were created out of necessity (sort of), others were strictly because we as a people are disgusting. Jack in the Box created a bacon milkshake. Denny’s said “Who cares about cholesterol?! Let’s put fried mozzarella sticks in the middle of a grilled cheese sandwich!” Someone out there, in their infinite wisdom, decided the only thing that would improve upon the flavor of goldfish crackers was to flavor them like pizza. Apparently all of the pizza they eat is stale and tastes like it has been stored in a sock.

The king of disgusting food creations, though, has to be the insanely popular Doritos Locos Taco from Taco Bell.

In my time on earth, I have never heard anyone say “Eating that Taco Bell taco was a great idea!” The sounds people make after eating them tend to be more along the lines of “Uhhhhhhhghhgh…” Still, though, people had spent years clamoring for a taco with a shell that was sprinkled with delicious nacho cheese flavored chemicals.

Last year, Taco Bell made it happen. They sent their taco scientists to Doritos headquarters and the next thing we know, the world is talking about the taco with a shell that tastes like a chip. It was the stoner’s dream come true. It was the dietician’s nightmare come true. For most everyone else, it was something else to chew and swallow. The taco was such a success that, according to some experts, it alone allowed Taco Bell to add 15,000 employees last year.

Based on the victory of their previous experiment, Taco Bell took it one step further this year, putting out the Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos. It too was a success. At least I am assuming so based on the number of television commercials I have seen.

I have no problem with this. Sure, it’s not my idea of a good food to eat, but I am the person who enjoys Wasabi Peas, a snack that frequently makes me cringe as I feel the heat of the wasabi melting my sinuses. What do I know?

The problem comes from what I found in a store just the other day.

I was walking to the cash register when something caught my eye. There amongst the other chips sat two bags that were completely alien to me. Amongst the Fiery Habanero and Sweet Chili and Black Pepper Jack sat two new flavors of Doritos.

Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Tacos Doritos and Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos Doritos. They had packaged chips together so that it will be like you are eating tacos that are made with chip flavored shells.

This is amazingly unnecessary. That’s like ordering an ICEE that is cherry ICEE flavored. Not only are these chips flavored like chip flavored tacos, this is a company that already has a taco flavored chip and has for years! People could have just been eating those with Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch Doritos all of these years instead of waiting for them to be packaged together.

I am worried that this could set in motion a strange snacking cycle. What if Taco Bell wants to create a Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Tacos Doritos Taco? Then, naturally, Doritos would want to make the Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Tacos Doritos Taco Doritos. Before long, people would be eating the Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Tacos Doritos Tacos Doritos Tacos Doritos Tacos Doritos Tacos Doritos Taco. It would take longer to order it than it would to eat it. No one has the time for that.

If I were in charge of a different company, we’ll say Pringles, I would make a Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco flavored Pringle. Then maybe you could have Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco Pringle taco. Or maybe someone could create a Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco flavored Gatorade. Really, the possibilities are endless. These flavors can be used together on any product and people will want to buy it!

I guess it goes to show that anything is possible in America. In 1946, Glen Bell opened his first fast food restaurant. Never in his wildest dreams would he have imagined that his restaurant would be so successful that they would be flavoring their foods like other foods, then selling that food flavor back to the original flavor creators.

It just makes so darn proud to be an American.


11 thoughts on “New Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos Doritos: What?

  1. With lettuce, sour cream, tomatoes and seasoned ground beef, what goes better on a taco than cheese? The Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco brings cheese and tacos to a whole new relationship. Not only is shredded cheese melted into the beef, but the shell itself adds an entirely new depth to cheese and tacos. What can beat the leftover orange residue on your fingers left only to lick off after consuming a Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco?


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