Birthday Candles A Hot Button Issue In Australia (Get it? Hot because of the flame on the candles?)

English: Group of children in a primary school...

GERMS! GERMS! GERMS! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There is nothing as exciting to a child as a birthday. You get the presents. You’re friends are there strictly to honor you. There’s party games and fun.

The thing everyone looks forward to the most, though, is that cake. Nothing says birthday like tiny flames on top of a baked treat. Before everyone gets a shot at that icing, though, there is one other important piece to the birthday puzzle.

The child must blow out the candles.

I for one have never been a big fan of this tradition. Especially when it comes to younger children, this seems like quite the misstep. The younger the child is, the less air you will find coming out of their mouth. For children, there is a distinct possibility that what is extinguishing the flames is wet, disgusting, sloppy spittle flinging from their mouths and onto the food that everyone is about to ingest.

If I wanted food that had slobber all over it, I would just wait until everyone else was done and lick their forks. As a bit of a cake connoisseur, I feel that a thin layer of saliva does nothing to enhance the flavor.

I’m not the only one who feels this way. The Australian government has my back.

From Yahoo!

New guidelines issued Tuesday by the country’s National Health and Medical Research Council say that children can no longer blow out the candles on cakes at school because doing so spreads too many germs.

“We introduced new national standards to lift the quality of child care across Australia because we believe parents deserve peace of mind when they drop their child off they are receiving quality care to a high standard,” Australia’s Minister for Early Childhood and Child Care, Kate Elliss,explained in a statement. “All services across the country will be assessed and rated against new National Quality Standard which will ensure that services are meeting basic requirements including children’s health, safety and wellbeing.

It’s about time someone was looking out for my desserts. For far too long, the world’s governments have ignored the plight of the dessert-lovers like me. Not everyone sees it the same way, though:

“If somebody sneezes on a cake, I probably don’t want to eat it either,” Australian Medical Association President Steve Hambleton told the Telegraph. “But if you’re blowing out candles, how many organisms are transferred to a communal cake, for goodness sake?” 

Oh, shut up Hambleton. If you love spit so much, why don’t you just go ahead and marry it? Then the two of you can get a multi-tiered white wedding cake with raspberry buttercream filling and a nice fondant frosting for the two of you to ruin with your slobber-loving ways.

The rule that Australia has laid out is very simple: give each child a cupcake. Then the kid can spit all over that cake and the only person eating it is him. No one is having to share germs with that smelly kid that picks his nose all the time.

Personally, I say we take it one step further. I say we jail anyone who spits on a public cake. Anyone who touches the cake with their dirty, grimy fingers gets 15-20 with a chance for parole after 10. I would even be in favor of a fine for someone who looks at a cake the wrong way.

Just in case some spit does make its way onto the cake, though, I say we should be prepared. That’s why I would like to propose a contest. The first person who makes  a delicious frosting out of Purell, Lysol, or any other germ destroying product wins big. I only have $1.38 to give to the cause myself, but surely someone else will jump in.

We can’t let the cycle of spitcakes continue. The children, after all, are our future. What kind of future can we expect for them if they are forced to live in a world where spraying drool all over cakes is acceptable?

No one should have to suffer through a moist future like that.


15 thoughts on “Birthday Candles A Hot Button Issue In Australia (Get it? Hot because of the flame on the candles?)

  1. besides, who really cares about dying from birthday cake cooties – these kids are Australian, for cryin’ out loud – no doubt even if they survive the birthday party they’ll just be eaten by a crocodile, gored by a stingray, bitten by a snake that can kill you just be faxing you a photograph of it;s fangs, attacked by a giant spider and store din an underground larder or have their head stove in by a kangaroo before their next birthday. Australia is so full of shit that can seriously kill you, one more won’t make any difference.


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