Dear Nathan

Gross.

DEAR NATHAN: My husband of eight years will not resolve his foot odor problem. We live in a small apartment, and it’s humiliating when we have company and half the apartment smells like stinky feet.

He refuses to wear socks, and his solution in winter is to open all the windows and turn on the fan as soon as he returns from work. The “airing out” never completely gets rid of the smell — and I freeze! How can I get him to change? — FED UP IN MANHATTAN

DEAR FED UP: Believe it or not, foot odor is a problem that afflicts many people. 10-15% of people suffer from what scientists call “Foot Skunkitis,” or nasty stinky feet to the common layperson. While these people may look like anyone else, they are harboring a secret deep inside their shoe. Like so many others, you have found yourself in the difficult position of living with a person who suffers from this affliction.

The easiest solution is to just cut them off. Right at the ankle. Just wait until he is sleeping and rid yourself of the stink forever. Sure, some people would try to talk it out, explain your point of view, but until those things are gone, there is still the risk that the smell will return.

Of course, then you would have to figure out how to dispose of feet. Most municipalities have very strict rules on foot disposal. You should probably call your local city hall prior to cutting off any body parts.

-Nathan

P.S. On a whim, I happened to Google foot smells. It turns out there are companies out there that make products to get rid of foot stink. There would be a lot fewer blood stains with insoles, so I would look into that.

 

DEAR NATHAN: What do you do when your best friend knowingly names her dog the name that you had picked for your future daughter (should there be a daughter)? Am I being silly to feel upset? — HURT IN MINNEAPOLIS

HURT IN MINNEAPOLIS: You buy a hamster, name it after your friend, and then complain about how much your friend’s namesake smells like urine all the time. I’m sure after a few days of this, your friend will get the message. Or she’ll develop a complex, convinced you think she smells like urine. Either way, I guess it’s a win.

 

DEAR NATHAN: Several years ago, my grandson came to live with me. He is a single, working adult. Lately I’ve noticed mail that once came addressed to me now comes addressed to “Mr. and Mrs. John Smith.” Telemarketers call for John Smith, and if my grandson is not home, ask for Mrs. Smith.

Nathan, I am Mrs. Smith, but not Mrs. John Smith. One solicitor even asked if the co-owner of the house was available! I don’t owe these people an explanation, but I do have to say something. Any suggestions? — NOT MRS. JOHN SMITH, LOS ANGELES

DEAR NOT MRS. JOHN SMITH: Yes, I do have suggestions. Man, it would be a huge bummer if you wrote in, asking if I had any suggestions, and I responded “Nah.”

Keeping in mind that solicitors are incredibly obnoxious and unpleasant to deal with, I would use this to my advantage.

“Is this Mr. or Mrs. John Smith?”

“Mrs. JOHN SMITH?! That’s my grandson, you PERVERT! What kind of person DO YOU THINK I AM?!”

At this point, the solicitor will be apologizing and trying their hardest to get out of the situation. You will never see or hear from them again. It will be pure, unsolicited bliss.

If that doesn’t tickle your fancy, you could find a man named John Smith and marry him. There are 5,171,555 people with that name as of the last census and 5,171,554 of them are not your grandson so surely you could find one decent husband in the bunch. Then, when you received mail addressed to Mr. and Mrs. John Smith, it would actually be correct.

Lastly, and my favorite suggestion, you could move to a cave where mail and solicitors do not reach. Plus, caves are usually very cheap to live in. Sure, you are missing some of the amenities like electricity and indoor plumbing, but rent is virtually free.

Think it over. You have some serious choices to make here. As long as you stick to any of these, though, you have made a great choice.