A Letter From Santa

English: A postcard from 1919, with artwork of...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Dear Everyone in the World (with a few exceptions),

Wow! Another Christmas has come and gone. I think we can all agree 2012 was a great holiday season full of Christmas spirit.

First, I would like to thank my elves. As always, the boys in the factory worked their little tiny elven tushies off. As toys have gone from being simple dolls and tin cars to Wi-Fi enabled tablets and winged ponies that somehow can tell a story, these tiny guys have somehow kept up. I can’t even imagine the complicated circuitry that goes into these devices. They do it, though, each and every year.

Next, I want to thank every mall Santa. While parents are quick to say that these Santas are “real,” everyone knows they are not. If they were, there would be a whole Santa army and the world is definitely not ready for more than one of me. Ask Mrs. Claus!

These guys have done their job, namely keeping my face in the public. Without them, people would stop  caring about Santa and move on to the next jolly gift deliverer. You can never be too concerned with job security. Trust me, it is very nice to have thousands of people dressing up like you.

Of course, the reindeer did a great job again. Dasher has taken on team lead, bringing a great amount of drive and vigor to the team. They were able to shave off seven minutes from their 2011 time. In time, I think Dasher will go down as the greatest reindeer in history and eventually wipe the name of “Rudolph” off of everyone’s mind. Let’s face it: that nose thing was a short-lived gimmick. There really are not a lot of situations where a glowing nose comes in handy, though he does make power outages much more tolerable.

Mostly, though, I want to thank each and every person. Thanks to your Christmas spirit, the team and I were able to accomplish a 99.9995% delivery success rate. (My apologies to the Zywiecs of Western California. Next year, I will do my best to get you guys bumped up on the list to ensure we don’t run out of time for you.)

Thanks to each and every one of you for the milk and cookies as well. They were all delicious. All 600 million of them.

Okay, I may have a few teensy weensy complaints. Why so many cookies? Could maybe just one of you get me a fruit cup? Let’s think outside the box. Also, for those who have no idea how the world works, fluids get warm if they sit out at room temperature for too long. Not that I don’t appreciate the milk, but trying to down your 700,000th cookie with warm milk is no easy task.

While we’re on the subject, it’s great that you guys are being super cute and leaving carrots out for the reindeer. Unfortunately, reindeer eat lichens. A lot of lichens. Reindeer also enjoy eating the leaves of willow trees and birch trees. The will sometimes feed on bird eggs, lemmings and arctic char. In late summer reindeer like to eat mushrooms. They never ever eat carrots. Something about them being to “orangey.”

And what’s with the neediness. “Santa, I want a pony!” YOU AREN’T GETTING A PONY! I CANNOT CARRY LIVESTOCK TO EVERY LITTLE GIRL WHO ASKS! Why don’t you be proactive, get a job, and EARN your OWN pony?!

In conclusion, great job everybody, stop feeding me cookies, enjoy your stupid presents.

Ugh. I need a nap.

Merry Christmas,


10 thoughts on “A Letter From Santa

  1. I’d say stop complaining, too. In Africa there are children starving and you are crying about warm milk! Just instant-re-gift the cookies to those hungry kids. Of course you might have to alter your delivery route…


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