There are very few things as annoying as listening to a person use their phone in public. While everyone is minding their own business, keeping to themselves, these phone-users are screaming over the noise in their immediate vicinity and boisterously laughing at unheard jokes. As people begin to speak louder, attempting to be heard over the person yelling into a small plastic rectangle, the phone-user gets louder. It’s an endless annoyance cycle.

While this is annoying, I will admit I wish these people would use speaker phone around me. I am left with so many questions while listening. What was so funny that this person started laughing like a hyena? What did Morgan do that was so surprising to them? Is Morgan a male or female?

Then there are some people who, for their own benefit, should be required to use speaker phone.

As I sat outside of a boot store (the only type of store in Nashville), a woman sat down across from me, phone firmly pressed against her head. Having nothing better to do, I was excited to hear what brilliant pearls of wisdom this woman would spew.

“He broke his wrist?” she said. Her thick Minnesotan accent immediately stood out amongst the thousands of southern drawls I hear in a day, already making this phone call very interesting.

“He broke his wrist too?” she continued. Two men with broken wrists? Sounds like an arm wrestling match went very wrong.

“Well, at least he didn’t actually shoot him.” Wait…what? What situation involves two broken wrists and the possibility of murder. I scrolled through my mental Rolodex of situations. I have only seen one wrist be broken and, to my knowledge, nobody nearby was packing any sort of heat. I tried my best to hide my reaction, but my eyes were likely as close as they will ever be to bugging out of my head.

While all of this was enough for an interesting phone call, she continued. “Yeah, they probably couldn’t get away with that in this day and age,” she said with all of the sincerity a human being can muster.

Not only was this situation unimaginably insane, but the seemingly harmless woman across from me was a bit perturbed that homicide is not legal. Maybe she is part of a little-known but ultra violent Minnesotan Mafia. This might just be a regular phone call for her. If this was the case, I needed to move quickly. I did not want a broken wrist or bullet to the brain.

The rest of the call was spent complaining that the buffet she had eaten at served “way too many potato dishes.” As if that is possible.

After a minute, she stood and walked away. Because of her reluctance to use speaker phone, I will never know the whole story of this phone call. I will just have to assume this pro-murder woman was part of much larger and much more evil power. Speaker phone would have protected her from all of this.

Plus, I would have been very entertained and isn’t that what its all about in the end?



  1. A truer blog was never written! I loathe being in public, minding my own business, and then having to put up with a person squawking on the phone nearby! Your blogs are always hilarious and insightful.


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