Topless Women Officially Scrape the Bottom of the Protesting Barrel


This is not offensive since this is a guy’s nipple. (Photo credit: moron noodle)

“Oh, if I could but live another century and see the fruition of all the work for women! There is so much yet to be done.” -Susan B. Anthony, prominent civil rights leader

“If we mean to have heroes, statesmen and philosophers, we should have learned women.”-Abigail Adams, former first lady and woman’s rights advocate

“I hate when women wear the wrong foundation colour, it might be the worst thing on the planet when they wear their make up too light.” -Kim Kardashian, reality star successfully setting women back several decades. Also, she is really dumb.


For most of my life, I have lived in what I thought was a reasonably fair society. No one I know owns slaves, everyone is allowed to go to school, we all share the same restaurants, and, aside from a few key groups, I thought we all shared the same rights.

I could not have been more wrong.

While I have been meandering through life in my cloud of ignorance, there was a group who was being squashed under the heel of society. They were being beaten down and forced to conform to the norms of our current culture.

They were forced to wear shirts.

This weekend saw two dozen women gather in New York’s Bryant Park for National Go-Topless Day. Like the famous woman suffragettes before them, they were there with a very important message.

“…there is nothing wrong with the female nipple,” Karen Heaven, an organizer of the event, told the crowd that quickly formed around her, likely in an attempt to shield her from the cool August breeze. “My dog has six, I have two, but I can be put in jail for showing my nipples. It’s 2012 — what are we thinking?”

What are we thinking indeed! As a man, I have taken my ability to show my nipples for granted. Everywhere I go, I can walk around, assured that if my shirt were to spontaneously combust, people would only be disgusted by my pale skin and doughy figure, not the useless udders I was born with. There would be no cries of “Look at that guy’s nipples!” Just a lot of horrified gasping and the cries of children.

Worse, I have placed these women below animals. When my wife has tried to dress our dog in the past, I specifically say no. Why? I thought it was because dogs wearing clothing is weird and unpleasant. As it turns out, it may have been my subconscious way of squashing any dreams my wife had by basically saying, “Our dog’s nipples are far less offensive than yours.”

The first Go-Topless day was founded by a sports car journalist and nipple-aficionado named Rael. After a visit from space alien, Rael created the Raelian movement, a religion that teaches that earth was created by alien scientists. (I swear, this is not made up.) After all, every major religion was founded by a sports car journalist with one name who was probably just looking for an excuse to see topless women.

Since then, hundreds, if not thousands, have spread the word with signs that read “Equal Topless Rights for All.”

I’m sure that if Susan B. Anthony were alive today, she would be honored to know that her hard work has led to the point that we can all have an open and honest discussion about nipple inequality. After all, that’s what her work was all about. Sure, she wanted women to vote. Yes, getting jobs and having the opportunity to earn an education were important to her.

Really, though, all she wanted was to stop having to do so much laundry. No shirts equals a great deal more free time to knit or whatever it is that women did for fun back then.

So bravo, women. You have furthered the work of many of the greatest feminist minds.

You have also guaranteed that somewhere, deep in the crevices of the internet, there is a topless photo of you.

Susan B. Anthony never had to worry about that…

19 thoughts on “Topless Women Officially Scrape the Bottom of the Protesting Barrel

  1. I’m not entirely sure why its a big deal, also people make a big deal about women breast feeding in public, its like if your hungry you eat in public so what’s wrong with a baby eating in public? People can’t even say vagina without cringing but they can say penis fine… :/ I don’t know anymore the world is a strange place


  2. That is too funny. What about the strip clubs though? Wouldn’t that be putting those girls out of a job? If people could see boobs everywhere, I don’t know why they would pay. Hmm, maybe since the world would be so “enlightened” people would start handing women with nice racks money. It’s the least they could do right? Sure beats beads…


  3. I am shocked to see how ignorant and demeaning people can be in the year 2012. These women are attempting to raise awareness about an outdated sexist mentality that honestly shouldn’t be in existence today. The point is not that women have been long harboring the secret desire to frolick around Manhattan for your entertainment; the point is on a hot day when everyone is laying out on the lawn at the park soaking up the sun why should a woman have to sweat through her bra or bathing suit top while a man can play frisbee, for instance, completely bare-chested. Do you think that treatment is A demonstration of equality? What is the actual reason for it? Because a woman tends to have larger breasts? Well that one doesn’t quite hold up since I’ve seen some pretty big titties on some big burly men. Because there can be sexual enjoyment from them? The same kind of enjoyment also experienced by men? Why not cover our lips and hands for that matter? A kiss sure gets me hot and bothered and holding hands is just dandy. I mean honestly, what the hell does it matter whether someone who is not you is allowed to have the same freedoms that you have? It’s not as though if the taboo against women being able to go shirtless in the same public places a man does were gone then suddenly all women would lose the ability to cover up if they chose to. In other countries it is perfectly normal for a woman to lounge in public reading a book, talking with friends, or sunning herself without a shirt on, why should we be so antiquated that we find this immoral. In these places there is nothing sexual about it, no one gawks in appalled shock. The ground doesn’t open up underneath them and swallow the city for allowing such uncouth behavior. Lightning bolts do not fly from the sky and strike the shameless harlots who dared to be comfortable in public, in the same manner a man could. And mothers do not yank their children from the sights of such utter disgrace, shielding their eyes and running to the nearest place of worship to cleanse their innocents of the wanton horror they have just witnessed. Instead, life goes on. People walk on by. It is considered normal. Because there is nothing abnormal about it, other than a sexist idea drilled into our minds about what is appropriate and what is not. Words like yours take away what bravery these women had to go against societal prejudices. Years ago it was considered inappropriate to show your ankle, how do you think the women who fought to have that view changed felt when some man poked fun at them, demeaning their attempts as though they were just silly little women thinking that exposing their ankle was something that actually amounted to some measure of importance. I commend these women their effort and hope that you might possess the ability to open your mind about other people’s concerns, no matter how trivial you may perceive those to be.


  4. Pingback: I Am Sorry I Made Fun of Lady Parts « The Life and Times of Nathan Badley…

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