As a child, there were a handful of debates that raged on the playground.
Debate #1: Chocolate milk versus regular. Obviously chocolate won hands down every time, but a few kids clung onto their love for regular. Of course, there were the oddballs who would want to throw strawberry into the mix, but everyone knows fruit flavored milk is a waste of time.
Debate #2: Your dad versus every other dad. The argument would almost always begin with one kid claiming their father to be the superior being, able to do things like throw a baseball over a building or design a rocket ship that could reach Mars. Every other kid would then escalate their dad’s accomplishments. As far as I know, no one’s dad was a major league pitcher/ rocket scientist, but good luck trying to tell a kid that.
The biggest and most hotly contested debate, though, rang throughout every activity. Teacher’s exploited it for contests. Teams were divvied up according to the prejudice of whatever kid happened to be the captain. Playground chants were devised because of this, no doubt causing countless kids to spend years on a therapist’s couch.
Nothing got the school riled up more than boys versus girls.
There were two sides to the argument. For the boys, it was quite simple: girls are stupid doodyheads. They are no good at anything and all they care about are dresses and makeup and all kinds of gross, mushy stuff. Yuck!
On the girls’ side, boys were stinky. This was actually the fairest of the arguments. Few boys bothered to wear deodorant, and only about half showered regularly. We played in mud and there was the occasional kid that, after ensuring no teacher was looking, would use the corner of the playground as his own private urinal. Despite the logic of this argument, though, we took no credence to it. After all, how can you trust a stupid doodyhead?
We all eventually grew up (not necessarily emotionally) and outgrew this argument. Still, in the back of our minds, the debate raged on. Men were quick to point to the WNBA as an example of women’s inferiority. Women were quick to point out that men still did not shower as much as they should.
It seemed this dispute would last until the end of time. Then James Flynn came into the picture.
For those who do not know (everyone besides James Flynn and his immediate family), Flynn is a world-renowned expert on IQ testing. While we have no idea who bestowed this title on Flynn (the International IQ Testing Experts Association?), it does not matter. Flynn is a renowned expert at something, and that is far more than most of us can say.
After studying statistics from several countries, Flynn set down at his state of the art IQ calculating machine and, for the first time, brought definitive proof in this age-old contest.
Women have the highest IQ.
Now, this should come as no surprise to anyone. We men are stupid. We are big, dumb idiots coated with a fine imbecile glaze. If you do not believe me, look at what men like. Adam Sandler movies. Watching grown men play games on TV. Talking about the grown men we saw play games on TV. As if that were not enough, take a glance at the cast of “Jackass.” You will not find a single woman in this group of dim-witted idiots.
While the facts have been right in front of us all along, it took Flynn to bring them to everyone’s attention. A man. That is how stupid we are. One or our own kind used science to prove we are all morons. Now, because of Flynn’s turncoat actions, we men are stuck in a bad spot. Anytime an argument comes up, women can just point out that Flynn says they are right. No man can argue with that. A scientist who is way smarter than them says that they are stupid.
It turns out all the years that women were unable to vote or own land or have a job or date or do anything besides light their man’s unfiltered cigarette as he sat down to the meal she had spent four hours cooking (it really was a simpler time back then), women were just sitting back, memorizing encyclopedias. They were studying so that, someday, they could sit there and say, “I told you we were smarter.”
Bravo, women. Bravo.
I have no reason to believe this will end the debate. I would like to hear Flynn’s views on milk, though. If he prefers strawberry milk, we can throw his study straight into the dumpster.
Only an idiot would choose that over chocolate.