My Email Account Seems to Think You’re Fat

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Dear anyone I have ever emailed,

Today, I was sitting at work minding my own business when an email arrived. Getting email is an exciting thing for me. As I am prone to do, I giddily clicked on my inbox, eager to see what gift the email gods had sent me.

It turned out I the email was from myself.

Now, this was very curious. I was hard at work (by work, I mean drinking coffee) and was not doing anything even remotely close to emailing. Even if I had been emailing, I would not have sent an email from my personal address to my work address just for fun. I had much better things to do. (By much better things to do, I mean peeing because of all of the coffee I had gulped down.)

I looked at what could have been sent from myself and found that it was a link to a nice website. A website that sells some sort of diet pill.

Now, I know my self esteem is not the highest. I do not have an unrealistic view of my own physique. I have not at any point in time thought of going into a career as a male model or Chippendale’s dancer. This would be because the world would not, by any stretch of the imagination, want to witness that.

With that said, though, I was a bit surprised to find that I had gone a passive-aggressive route to tell myself I was a big fatty. I mean, why wouldn’t I just tell myself? There’s no need to beat around the bush. I am a very reasonable person and I couldn’t possibly get mad. It was myself, after all.

Then I looked at the list of people this email had gone out to. There were a lot of people. I mean, A LOT. It turns out that I had subconsciously told everyone I had ever emailed they needed to drop a few pounds.

So to those who received the email, I did not mean to call you fat. Most of you are very svelte, and I am more than happy to let those who aren’t float through their fat bloated lives unaware that they are the size of two regular sized people.

This email to you was the work of some internet miscreant using some sort of internet voodoo to hack into my email account and use this account for evil. I had nothing to do with it.

Seriously, I didn’t.

So if this caused you great pain and suffering, I apologize. If it didn’t, I still apologize, but much less. I needn’t waste my biggest and best apologies on people who aren’t offended.

To the person who used my email for evil, shame on you! I hope something terrible happens to you like your computer breaks or you stub a toe really bad. You know, the stuff we stay awake at night worrying about.

Do not worry, though, my friends. I have not let this villain deter my spirits. I will not live in a world of fear. I will continue to use this email and do so proudly.

You know, because regular mail is too slow. I am very impatient.


Thinking of how thin and not fat you are,



P.S. I have taken care of this email issue, so it should never happen again. That means if you receive another email from me suggesting a weight loss product, I probably purposefully sent you that one. You might want to consider working out.


10 thoughts on “My Email Account Seems to Think You’re Fat

  1. “P.S. I have taken care of this email issue, so it should never happen again. That means if you receive another email from me suggesting a weight loss product, I probably purposefully sent you that one. You might want to consider working out.”

    My favorite part of the whole article. Good reads sir. Good reads. You remind me of TheOatmeal’s author and it makes me giggle 😛


  2. Your posts do entertain me! Great post, as always.
    My best friend’s boyfriend sent me a strangely worded email about how I needed to diet. Only he didn’t know – like yourself! Hacker on the loose?


    • I believe so. I read an article after writing this that said this particular hack is happening a lot.

      I just wish they would make sure to target the people who really need to lose weight. It would be the helpful thing to do.


  3. This reminds me of the time I had sent invitations to everyone in my hotmail address book to use Viagra… how embarrassing. Hackers are shameless people.


    • Did anyone think that you had become a Viagra salesman?

      I would imagine that selling Viagra by email would be very difficult. All of your friends would get your email and say, “Oh, Jimmy, your email go hacked again,” and Jimmy would be saying, “No, seriously! That’s my job! Do you want Viagra?” That’s when the conversation would turn awkwardly silent…


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