Little Leaguers: A Modern Day Scourge to Society

Little League baseball on a Saturday afternoon...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! HE’S GOT A BAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Anyone who knows me knows how I feel about children. They are tiny little Tasmanian devils destroying everything that gets in the path of their sticky, germ-infested fingers. They are the neediest things on the planet, always insisting that they are “hungry” or “need to go to the bathroom.” They do not bring a single thing to the table unless you are really in the need for the latest infectious disease.

Moreover, though, children are dangerous. Sure, they look small and weak, incapable of causing any damage. In reality, though, they are always pulling dare-devil stunts that put themselves, and the adults around them, in danger.

That is why I was saddened when I heard the story of Elizabeth Lloyd, a woman from Manchester Township,New Jersey. It was late summer 2010 when Lloyd and her family went to the ballpark to enjoy a nice baseball game. I would assume that she had eaten quite a few peanuts and her share of Cracker Jacks.

That is when tragedy, quite literally, struck.

As Lloyd watched the baseball game, a ball flew into the stands. It struck Lloyd in her face, causing multiple fractures. Now, all of this time later, Lloyd is finally seeking justice.

She has sued the 11-year-old who caused her pain.

Matthew Migliaccio, now 13, was allegedly trying to throw the ball back to the pitcher that was warming up in the bullpen. Of course everyone knows 11-year-olds have no control over their throws. They have no control over anything. They are only 11.

Then Migliaccio heinously threw the ball over the pitcher’s head, into the stands. Perhaps he was jealous of the Cracker Jack’s that Lloyd had been eating. Maybe he was frustrated at being reduced to bullpen catcher for a Little League team. Whatever the cause, Migliaccio did the unthinkable.

For far too long now, we have allowed these children to do whatever they want just because they are kids and kids are “inexperienced.” In fact, even Matthew’s own father has pulled this defense out:

“It’s absurd to expect every 11-year-old to throw the ball on target. Everyone knows you’ve got to watch out.”

I guess it would be absurd to expect an 11-year-old to throw on target. Almost as absurd as expecting an 11-year-old to throw a ball at all. I mean, why would a parent allow their child to hold such a deadly weapon in his hand? No one really believes kids want to be throwing a stupid baseball around. They would much rather be sneaking cookies out of the cabinet and watching “Adventure Time” on Cartoon Network.

Like Lloyd’s lawsuit states, this was no accident. This was simply assault and battery. Moreover, it was assault and battery of the worst kind. It was a child forced to assault and batter an innocent woman all because his parents insisted he stop sitting around and get some fresh air.

Now their selfishness has destroyed the Lloyd household. Lloyd’s husband has also filed suit, claiming that he has lost the “services, society and consortium of his wife” as a result of her injuries. No man should be without the services of his wife. Why, who will do all of the mopping for him now that she has had her face broken by a baseball?

No one. Poor Mr. Lloyd will be forced to live in a filthy home, filled with dirt and grime all because of this selfish act. Poor, poor Mr. Lloyd. Sure, he will try his best with a mop, but his college major was finance, not housework. There is no way he can succeed.

I think any judge in the land would agree that Migliaccio needs to be made an example of. I do not think the $500,000 that Lloyd is asking for is enough, in fact. That sum could easily be made up with 14,285 weeks of a paper route. No, we need something much more severe.

Life in prison.

With youths like Migliaccio wandering our streets, it is only a matter of time until all of us are having baseballs intentionally thrown at our face. Walking down the street will be like a game of dodgeball, only with baseballs replacing the rubber ones.

We should round-up all of those like Migliaccio while we still can. Let out the drug dealers to make room for them. It is not like they ever tried to throw a hard ball at somebody’s face.

With our streets finally free of the riff-raff of ball chucking children, we can go about our business in peace. The streets will finally be safe for our kids to, once again, play.

Not that they are interested. That is why we all own Nintendo Wiis.


15 thoughts on “Little Leaguers: A Modern Day Scourge to Society

  1. I actually thought this was made up until I saw the word New Jersey. You can always count on us folks in the tri-state area to take litigation to new levels of ridiculousness… I would imagine the child’s parents will be paying for her new nose (arguably fair) although they will probably ask for other reparations as well…


    • I’m sure there was a great deal of “pain and suffering.” Fortunately, money always takes care of that. It’s such an easy fix. Something causes pain and suffering, throw a few bucks at it. Problem solved.


  2. I seem to remember a cartoon in which the villain had some sort of storage device for children until they grew up. Unfortunately I can’t remember what it is or I would suggest you study it to perfect the technology and take care of all those horrible little runts. How dare they make mistakes while practicing before a game!


  3. If I had $500,000 for every time I got hit the face with a ball, I’d still be broke. Because I know to move out of the way when something is flying towards my face!


  4. Pingback: I Swear, I Didn’t Mean Anything By It! « The Life and Times of Nathan Badley…

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