8:30- Arrive at the airport. My 9:30 flight is delayed until 11:30. I have no choice but to kill time until my flight by wandering through every store in the airport terminal.
8:35- Having forgotten how Kansas City International works, I am reminded that there are only two stores in the entire terminal. Having seen both of these, I head through security.
8:38- I remember that I have a belt on as the metal detector goes off. I find myself worried that the security guard thinks I am a terrorist threat and will tase me. He only asks me to take off my belt, but I’m sure he wonders why I flinch every time he walks by.
8:51- My wife calls to tell me she found a faster way to and from the airport. It is the way I told her was the fastest when we left our apartment. Fortunately she did not listen to me and went her way. Otherwise I would have 15 more minutes to kill.
9:00- Someone comes over the loud-speaker. It appears they wanted to communicate the following: “BABL HAMNET GAFL NENKY!” I hope that this means “Nathan, we have undelayed your flight. Come to your private aircraft now.” It does not appear to mean that.
9:08- A man makes a comment about my vintage looking Mountain Dew t-shirt, saying “That shirt must be awful old!” Mentally, I run through the options. He could be serious, but he is most likely joking. Knowing that it is polite to laugh at jokes, I give him a hearty chuckle. He must not have been joking because he gave me a very confused look.
9:28- The five-year-old next to me opens a coloring book. I briefly think about stealing it, but come to my senses. Besides, it’s an educational coloring book and everyone knows they suck.
9:31- The kid cannot figure out how to write the letter “W” in his coloring book. I bask in the knowledge that I fully understand the letter “W” and he does not. I am a genius.
9:42- I realize the man next to me smells good. Really good. I hope that I smell that good, but I ate Jack In The Box for breakfast, so I’m sure I smell like grease and sadness.
10:01- “The Smurfs” come on the TV next to me. While I smurf the show, I wish the plane would smurf so I could smurf out of here.
10:04- A lady has discovered that her flight is delayed. She proceeds to scream “I HATE THIS AIRLINE! I HATE IT SO MUCH!” Then she angrily declares that she is “going to get a STUPID Frappuchino and wait ANOTHER hour!” That Starbucks barista is in for a treat.
10:29- After resisting for two hours, I finally cave and buy a Starbucks drink. I get the healthy Frappuchino in my efforts to keep from being a fat slob. It tastes like dirt. I hope that the angry lady did not order this particular Frappuchino. It would definitely not calm her down.
10:40- The lady over the loud-speaker says “BLEEDLE SKANTER FERGER JALNER” which means my flight will take off at 11:30 as planned. Of course they mean as replanned, but the loudspeaker gal gets an A for effort.
10:50- Boarding! They say we’re going to board! I almost give the announcement a standing ovation, but it would make for a long flight if everyone kept calling me “that clapping guy.”
11:01- The restroom next to the Starbucks is being blocked off due to a security issue. I assume that the angry lady did order the healthy Frappuchino and has gone on some sort of rampage. Regardless of the reason, I am beginning to regret getting that coffee beverage.
This may be a long flight.