The Great Pop Star Conspiracy

American singer Katy Perry, performing live at Campo Pequeno, June 28th 2009, in Lisbon. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Conspiracy theories are everywhere.

No matter how ridiculous these ideas, people will not let them go. People continue to insist that Elvis and Tupac are alive and well, frolicking on the beach. They thought the same about Hitler, though if he was still alive, he would be 123. Odds are his frolicking would be much slower and more pathetic.

While I am not prone to believing most of these theories, occasionally one rings true with me. It may not be the sanest idea ever, but there are definitely crazier things that have happened. Today, I found one of these theories that has to be true.

Throughout work today, I found myself subjected to more pop radio than I had listened to in years. I heard Katy Perry, Rihanna, Kelly Clarkson, Lady Gaga, Kesha, then we repeated the same five again. Over and over I heard these five singers. After listening to these five sing very similar sounding songs in very similar keys with very similar tempos, I came to the only logical conclusion a person could arrive at.

There is only one female pop singer in the world.

“How could this be?” you might be asking. “Why, I’ve seen them and they all look different. Are you really trying to tell me that the same singer has put out every hit pop album that was made in the last five years?”

That is exactly what I am telling you.

I’ll admit, I’ve always had trouble telling these singers apart. Despite their many different  appearance-related idiosyncrasies  (Lady Gaga dresses like a nutjob! Katy Perry dyes her hair weird colors! Kesha refuses to bathe and looks like a person who was lost in the woods before she suddenly was attached with glitter!), these ladies all sound about the same to me when it comes to their music.

I understand your skepticism, though. Yesterday I would have told a person they were crazy for suggesting this. I would have said “Are you really trying to tell me the person singing that one Katy Perry song (I definitely would have forgotten the title) is the same one singing that song about waking up like P. Diddy? Also, on an unrelated note, how does one wake up feeling like P. Diddy? Do you wake up feeling like a millionaire entrepreneur who is also some sort of musician? Do you wake up in a fur coat or a nice tailored suit and say, ‘I feel like Diddy?’” Then my friend would have told me I was rambling and guided me back to the conspiracy theory at hand.

After the second listen through of the same five songs by the same five singers, I was noticing they all sounded the same. By the fifth listen, I couldn’t tell them apart anymore. They were all the same song by the same singer. The lyrics had slight variations, but whoever was writing the song seemed to have gotten their synthesizers stuck on the same tone.

By the twelfth listen, I knew the truth.

The way I picture it, it all began in the late eighties. Riding high on the current pop star wave of Madonna and all of those other people who sounded like Madonna back then, the heads of the record labels got together under cover of darkness. Their goal: to somehow make the ultimate pop star. She would have a decent voice but nothing too great to avoid scaring away the key demographic, people who don’t listen to good music. She would be outrageous, but also clean enough that parents would allow their kids to listen to her. She would have the songwriting talent of a three-year-old, allowing the professionals to carefully craft her songs about sexual exploits and feeling like rap moguls.

Having figured out exactly what they wanted, the list was sent to the Sony-Warner Bros- Capital- Columbia lab, the same lab that has manufactured every teen idol since the 1960’s. There, they would manufacture the perfect pop star using only the finest human parts they could find. After years of work, it was time to bring this monster to life.

Within two weeks, the monster had recorded over 10,000 mediocre songs. “We can’t possibly put these all out!” said the record executives. “There’s no way the public will believe that one person could carefully craft so many mediocre songs in such a short time!”

Faced with a dilemma, the labels split the songs amongst several girls. These girls would be the “singers” of these songs and, in return for earning these record labels a great deal of money, would be allowed to live like pop stars.

It was a perfect plan. No one would pay too close of attention to these songs because there was nothing fantastic about them. They were just background noise for people shopping at Forever 21.

Unfortunately for them, they did not count on me foiling their little plot.

I have exposed their dirty little secret at long last. With all of the evidence I have piled up, there’s no way anyone can deny it. I mean, how else could all of these songs be explained?

Unless they’re all equally terrible. That could explain it.

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