What’s In a Name? If It’s Titanic, Quite a Bit…

Unlike previous Titanic films, Cameron's retel...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There are some ideas that seem bad. Then there are ideas that set a landmark for awfulness, ideas that make every appalling decision you have ever made seem mildly brilliant. These ideas do not come along very often, so when they do it is always something very special.

Usually these ideas come from a person with far too much money. This is the case with Clive Palmer, an Australian billionaire. Riding off of the high that comes with declaring his run for Parliament, the Australian version of ineffective government, Palmer made a surprising declaration.

Palmer will build the Titanic.

For those who have never heard of the Titanic, it was a huge glamorous ship. In 1912, it launched, sailing from Belfast to New York. Everything was perfect.

Then it hit an iceberg. And sunk.

It sunk hard.

In all 1500 people died, including Leonardo DiCaprio, because, apparently, people can’t survive in the ocean. Seeing as how no one was supposed to die, things did not go according to plan. Needless to say, this was not a screaming success.

Now people associate the name Titanic with a giant failure. This, of course, has not swayed Palmer. Palmer has ponied up money to have a ship with the same dimensions as the Titanic commissioned, sending the money to a state-owned Chinese company because nothing says quality product like China.

It sounds very nice, much like the original Titanic. “Titanic II will be the ultimate in comfort and luxury with on-board gymnasiums and swimming pools, libraries, high-class restaurants and luxury cabins,” Palmer said.

The Titanic II will set sail from London in 2016, stopping in (ideally)New York. Palmer has said he will include modern safety features, though he has not clarified if there will be enough of these modern safety features for everyone on board.

While all of this sounds well and good, there is one issue.

IT IS THE TITANIC! You can put all of the safety apparatuses you would like on board. This ship is destined to end up at the bottom of the Atlantic and left for James Cameron’s submarine to explore.

Let me put it this way. If I were to create a restaurant, I would not name it “Stella Maris College Rugby Team.” Why? Because this rugby team is only famous for having to eat each other. People would be concerned that their filet was not exactly what they had planned on ordering. By that, I mean they would think it was human.

Naming a ship after a ship that is only famous for its disastrous demise seems like very poor planning. What’s next? Will he create a Zeppelin and call it the Hindenburg II? Spoiler alert: It is probably going to explode and kill a bunch of people.

I’m sure Palmer is a smart man. I’m sure he knows exactly what he is doing. He wouldn’t have become a billionaire if he was stupid.

I just know that if I had to choose between a Carnival cruise and a cruise on the Titanic II, I may be going with the one that isn’t named after a disaster. That does all depend on the buffets, but Carnival definitely has the edge.

If Palmer really wanted to get me on his ship, he should change the name just slightly. Calling it “the Un-Titanic” might coerce me on board. The Un-Titanic is the complete opposite of the ship that hit an iceberg. It would go around the iceberg, allowing the passengers to point and shout “Look! That’s a whole lot of ice!”

Of course, it probably isn’t an issue. We have done a fair job of getting rid of all of the planet’s icebergs by heating up the globe. That could be just the safety measure that the Titanic II needs to survive.

That and a captain who does not run into things. That could be pretty beneficial.


10 thoughts on “What’s In a Name? If It’s Titanic, Quite a Bit…

  1. This is hilarious!

    When I read about this guy, I rolled my eyes because it’s a horrible idea!!
    But thanks for making his ignorance enjoyable for me! 🙂


      • Hey Nathan, I would like to profile you and your blog one day for my word porn star category. How do you feel about that? I think the term “word porn” might be offensive to some. I have explained what it is on my blog, but I won’t put you in there if you don’t want your blog associated with it.


      • Okay, I will. I don’t know for sure when I will write yours, but I was hoping you’d say yes. You are the most consistently funny writer I know. I will let you know when I do it, and of course link to your blog.


  2. It does seem like a really BAD idea. Maybe it should set sail on April 10th too. And they certainly will need to have a steerage class and keep those folks locked down there too.


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