Dear Nathan

A Swedish box of chocolates called “Aladdin” (top layer, identical to the bottom layer). Svenska: Den svenska chokladasken “Aladdin” (övre lagret, identiskt med undre lagret). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

DEAR NATHAN: I’m 16 and well below the average height for females. It bothers me a lot. I’m treated like a 5-year-old. I get picked up all the time, and it’s awkward talking to people because they look straight down at me — and they never let me forget it.

I try to act cool about it, but honestly, I’m losing sleep over it. I’m really self-conscious, and when I get upset people just laugh at me and say I’m “cute.” What should I do? — LOOKED DOWN UPON IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR LOOKED DOWN UPON IN NEW JERSEY: I completely understand what you are going through. I myself am below average height for men, though I am above the average female height. That’s something.

Sorry. Didn’t mean to rub that in.

One thing you have to remember are the advantages we short people have in life. For instance, I can sit in a compact car and not feel claustrophobic. I’ve never had a reason to complain about leg space. When everyone else is ducking under things, I am standing upright, pointing at laughing at them because they stood up too quickly and slammed their head into a hard object. HA!

If this doesn’t work, you can always wear stilts. Better yet, you can find another short person, sit on their shoulders, put a trench coat on, and look like a tall person. This is also an excellent way for you to sneak into R-rated movies.

Personally, I would just remember that, if we are in a group of people, we are less likely to get struck by lightning.

Happy being protected from electricity from the sky,

Nathan

DEAR NATHAN: A friend’s husband gave me a ride to the airport, and when I went to hug him goodbye as I have always done when we parted, he grabbed me by the arms and kissed me on the lips several times. I wasn’t expecting it, and I certainly hadn’t invited it. I made light of it, but it made me very uncomfortable and I don’t want to see him again.

My problem is I don’t know how to end my friendship with his wife. I would never tell her, and I do not wish to have this standing between us, so I’d rather just end the friendship. How should I handle this? She occasionally contacts me for lunch dates. — DISMAYED IN MANHATTAN

DEAR DISMAYED IN MANHATTAN: This sounds like a real problem. A conundrum if you will. On the one hand, you don’t want to upset your friend. On the other, your friend is married to a sleazy guy who thinks that making out with his wife’s friend in the romantic airport atmosphere is appropriate.

I myself have never been in this situation. People, particularly my friends’ husbands, have never tried to kiss me at the airport.

Instead of ending your friendship, though, why not preserve the friendship? All you have to do is train the husband. You could carry a squirt bottle and spray him every time he comes near you. Or you could put something very spicy on your mouth so he won’t try to touch it with his mouth ever again.

If that doesn’t work, a properly used taser should do the trick. Once he has found himself squirming on the floor and foaming at the mouth, he is sure to not try that ever again.

Happy preserving your friendship by tasing your friend’s husband,

Nathan

DEAR NATHAN: I was recently a bridesmaid at a friend’s wedding. The bride gave all of us bridesmaids gifts after the reception. The bags were fancy and contained expensive gourmet chocolate candy. When I went to open mine, I noticed the box had already been unwrapped and half of it had been eaten. I didn’t say anything to the others or the bride because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings or seem ungrateful. What should I do? — BRIDESMAID IN TENNESSEE

DEAR BRIDESMAID IN TENNESSEE: Some people would advise you to just forget about it. Those people are a bunch of idiots.

Have you ever seen a movie where a secret agent is trying to hunt down the killer of a loved one, so he tortures people into giving him information about the killer until he finally finds the villain then destroys him? Do that, only with your missing chocolates replacing your dead loved one. Water board and torture all of your friends until you know exactly who would violate your box of chocolates and scarf down your savory treats.

Or, to save yourself time, you could go purchase a Hershey bar. It may not be as good, but you won’t have to worry that you’re about to eat that one chocolate that is filled with some sort of minty goo.

Happy Chocolate Finding And/Or Devouring,

Nathan

DEAR NATHAN: For decades I have been told I look like my mother. The problem is, my mother is ugly! I no longer respond to the comment, preferring to remain silent and just stare at the person instead.

Nathan, please remind people that unless the comparison is to an attractive model, opinions should be kept to oneself. — BEAUTIFUL IN MY OWN WAY, RICHMOND, KY.

DEAR BEAUTIFUL IN MY OWN WAY: You are a terrible daughter. I would hate to get one of your Mother’s Day cards.

I have no advice. I just though I would let you know that.

Happy dealing with your own family issues, you jerk,

Nathan

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