Cat Congressional Candidate Claws Competitors, Also Inspires a Really Neat Alliteration

For those who haven’t heard yet, 2012 is an election year. That means more of the same. Republicans will call Democrats elitist. Democrats will call Republicans fat cats. Independent parties will say mildly crazy stuff with no hope of ever actually winning an election.

It all gets very boring after a while. There are only so many Newt Gingrich head jokes you can make before even a head that appears to be from a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade balloon has lost its entertainment value. For those keeping track at home, it is roughly 37.

Fortunately, one candidate has stepped up to provide this country with a refreshing take on things. He is sure to not get caught up in the regular party politics that all of our humdrum politicians are involved with. Plus, he is far more adorable than any other political candidate.

His name is Hank. He is a cat.

While former Virginia senate candidates George Allen and Tim Kaine have been calling each other names and gouging each other’s eyes in debates (Virginia debates are much nastier than most), Hank the cat has been sitting back, taking note. Now, he is ready to stop licking himself and throw his hat into the ring. Actually, that’s a bad analogy. Cat’s don’t wear hats and don’t really have the ability to throw things. They really need thumbs and a shoulder to make that kind of motion… anyway, you get what I’m trying to say.

Hank’s first campaign commercial was recently posted:

As you can see, Hank has a big dream forAmericaas well as a fondness for stock footage.

Now, while supporters of Hank the cat are actively spreading his agenda and talking about the evils of the two party system, they seem to have made a much bigger issue. See, I like what Hank the cat stands for. I would love to spend all day napping in the sun and some of that canned cat food doesn’t look all that bad.

Despite my agreements with Hank, though, I could never vote for him. He is a cat. Cats cannot be trusted.

Cats are, undoubtedly, evil. If you don’t believe me, find a cat and stare directly into its eyes. They are black and soulless. You can practically see the cat planning to rip open your jugular.

No, I would much rather vote for a dog that I share nothing in common with (the dog candidate would most likely run on a platform of killing all of the squirrels in every backyard) As a dog person, I would have to vote for him. Sure, I may not agree with him, but you can bet that I trust him.

This, though, has made the election much more confusing for me. Before, I would educate myself on every candidate, watch the debates, learn all of their stances, then ignore everything I had learned and vote for everybody of the particular party I was supporting.

With the newfound political dividing line of cat versus dog, I have to do a whole bunch more research.

If candidate X were to say all of the right things, support all of my favorite bills, and even go as far as to offer me money to vote for him, it would no longer be enough to clinch my vote. I would need to know, for a fact, that he is not going to appoint any of those terrible cats to a position of power. I do not trust a cat to make any laws about things like my healthcare or economy, lest they try to get revenge for the declawings they have had to endure.

Sure, Hank the cat says he is all about job creation. How am I supposed to know, though, that he doesn’t mean he is going to use the litter box more often, thus creating a new job for people to do?

Bringing animals into politics has turned the entire world upside down. The only way to solve it will be another debate.

Every candidate will line up on stage. The one and only question will be “Cat or dog?” They will then have 30 seconds to defend their choice, not that it matters. They will have already said everything they need to.

Maybe someday I’ll be able to put my pet prejudices aside and vote for the Cat Party. 2012 will not be that year.

Any animal that makes me clean up their poop is clearly not on my side. Why would I be on theirs?

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5 thoughts on “Cat Congressional Candidate Claws Competitors, Also Inspires a Really Neat Alliteration

  1. I don’t know, I’ve cleaned my share of cat and dog poop and I would much rather the cat. But I am one of those crazy third party people so I would likely vote for the Monkey or Squirrel party instead.

    Really, if we start bringing the animals into this the mudslinging is going to be WAY worse than normal…

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  2. As a cat voter, I am outraged! Not only are cats smarter than dogs, have you seriously considered the fact that having a dog in office would be worse than having Bill Clinton in office. Dogs would spent all their time running around and kissing or at least sniffing everyone’s butt. Not to mention the constant humping. As far as the cleaning up their poop, you still have to clean it up with dogs, but they poop all over the place instead of keeping it one general area.

    You really should be more of an informed voter Nathan. Cats are billiant and devious and exactly what our country needs to quit licking the face of our enemies, and instead scratch their eyes out. 😉

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