The Best Oscar Predictions the Internet Has to Offer

Academy Award

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Everyone likes to try to predict the Oscars.

I’m no different. No, I’m no movie critic. I have, though, seen dozens of movies in my life. In this day and age, this makes me as viable of a critic as most of the critics floating around the internet today. Knowing that, I feel it is my responsibility to share my Oscar knowledge with the rest of the world

Unfortunately, I have not seen many of the nominees. In fact, I’ve only seen three of the nominees. This, though, won’t keep me from putting in my two cents. I won’t be left out of the Oscar predictions.

With no prior knowledge of most of these movies or actors, I have gone ahead and given my impartial take on the upcoming awards.

Best Sound Editing

Nathan’s Pick: The Artist

Yes, I know The Artist isn’t nominated. That’s what makes this selection so surprising

Since The Artist is a silent film, it has absolutely no issues with sound editing. The sound is, in fact, completely without fault in this movie. It is absolutely perfect. If there is no sound, there is no way the sound editing can have a problem. If The Artist doesn’t win on a write-in vote, clearly the academy isn’t as smart as they claim to be.

Best Documentary Feature

Nathan’s Pick: Undefeated

With two of the nominations involving the dark underworld and one involving the killing of trees, it is a depressing set of movies. Pina could go either way. It is about dancers which, on the surface, seem like a happy subject. Unfortunately, Black Swan made the world of dancing scary and dark. Just thinking about dancers makes me start to cry a bit.

Things that are scary and dark are unpleasant. Being a winner, though, is always popular. Imagine if Rocky had been knocked out in the first round or the Bad News Bears were just bad news throughout the whole movie. No one would like these movies in any way. People had to have some sort of success for these to reach the iconic status that they have achieved.

Undefeated is sure to have someone who has won at something. That makes it a great film and a sure-fire winner.

Best Supporting Actor

Nathan’s Pick: Kenneth Branagh

Branagh took on the toughest role an actor can take. Instead of playing a baseball executive like Jonah Hill or some sort of renter like Max von Sydow, Branagh instead had to act like a famed actor who, himself, was nominated for 12 Academy Awards.

There is a way Branagh can top this: If Branagh were to play an actor who is hired to play a famed actor. Of course, he could then play an actor playing an actor playing an actor. Branagh can keep adding more actors until, finally, the universe explodes. Inevitability this will happen when you find this kind of Russian doll situation.

Best Supporting Actress

Nathan’s Pick: Melissa McCarthy

There is nothing the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Movies and Such enjoys more than a good show of emotion. No one can dispute that Melissa McCarthy showed pure emotion in Bridesmaids.

The scene that clenches it is one where McCarthy experiences intense intestinal distress. You can see the pain in her eyes as she tries to avoid the inevitable. Tears flow down her cheeks as she realizes she has, indeed, contracted food poisoning. The anguish floods her face as she is forced to use the sink to dispose of her waste product.

If that isn’t Oscar material, I don’t know what is.

Best Actress

Nathan’s Pick: Glenn Close

This field is full of worthy contenders. Rooney Mara plays a girl with a tattoo. Meryl Streep completely turns into a famed British politician. Michelle Williams becomes an actress who is mostly famous for seducing a president. Viola Davis plays the title character in The Help.

Nothing, though, can beat Glenn Close’s turn as a man.

For those who don’t know, Glenn Close is a woman. In the movie Albert Nobbs, she plays a woman who pretends to be a man named Albert Nobbs. That means she is acting like a woman acting like a man. That’s double the acting.

If you can play two characters in one, you should automatically win. The exception is, of course, Adam Sandler playing himself and his sister. He should definitely not win anything for that.

Best Actor

Nathan’s Pick: Jean Dujardin

It takes a lot to act silently. For instance, you have to move your arms. You also must move your legs. The rest of your body, too.

As George Valentin, Dujardin had to do all of these things. There is no chance he loses. He was able to do all of these things. Plus, he’s French. All the women voters are sure to go for the French guy.

Best Director

Nathan’s Pick: Michel Hazanavicius

There is a lot of talent in this group. Woody Allen has been considered a great director as well as a world-class creepy guy for years. Martin Scorsese has a fantastic resume including Boxcar Bertha, Who’s That Knocking at My Door, and New York, New York, plus some other movies people have actually heard of. Terrance Malick makes incredibly long movies that always garner a lot of attention.

There is only one director, though, with five vowels in his last name.

Hazanavicius has it wrapped up if, for no other reason, his name is so long it takes up 75% of the ballot. It’s hard to vote for other directors if you can’t find their name amongst the sea of letters that is Hazanavicius.

Best Picture

This is, by far, the trickiest category. Out of the nine selections, I have actually seen three. That means, though, I haven’t seen six of them. It’s nearly impossible to pick like this.

Since the category is Best Picture, there was only one option: imagine them as pictures.

If you were to see Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close as a painting in a museum, it would be horrifying and most likely have bright colors. That knocks it out. Moneyball, The Artist, and Hugo would probably be weird expressionistic art that no one understand or really cares to understand. The Descendants would be a boring family portrait. Snooze.

Midnight in Paris sounds like a terrific painting in a museum. It would peaceful and incredibly pleasant to the eye. Everyone likes Paris.

You can’t argue against that logic

Nathan’s Pick: Midnight in Paris

You can go ahead and make your own predictions. It’s a waste of time, though. These are guaranteed to be 100% right.

By 100% right, I do mean most likely completely wrong. What do I know?

I’m no critic.

19 thoughts on “The Best Oscar Predictions the Internet Has to Offer

    • I am sorry about that. Just for clarification’s sake, do you mean most boring post of mine ever, most boring of WordPress, most boring of the entire world, or were you commenting on an actual post, a fence post for example, that you had seen?

      The good news is you never ever have to read it again. Hooray!


  1. Re: Sound Editing

    The fact that “The Artist” is NOT completely silent aside, your argument is still invalid. It relates back to the burden of proof. A film must (assuming you believe the Academy does as it claims) prove the quality of its efforts; a failure to make effort is not proof of its success. Much like the appeal to ignorance, a lack of effort/sound is not proof of sound quality. The lack of sound is not perfection; it is absence.


  2. I’ve seen “Midnight In Paris” and “The Descendents.” Which is a pathetic accumulation of Oscar-nominated films in my brain, but is one better than last year’s list. I loved “Midnight” but hated Rachel McAdams’ character. “The Descendents” is nuanced and thoughtful but it’s totally a downer. Or maybe that’s because I saw it the day before my grandfather’s funeral. Anyway. I need to see more movies. ~ The End ~


  3. Pingback: My Sincerest Apologies. It Appears That I May Suck. « The Life and Times of Nathan Badley…

  4. Pingback: With Pleasure – The Artist « cineblog

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