Once again, I have set out to help the world make sense to those who need help. It is time for more “Dear Nathan.”
DEAR NATHAN: I married “Andy” a year ago. He has three children from a prior marriage. He had a vasectomy eight years ago, but promised he’d have it reversed so we could have a child together. He didn’t get around to it, but I’m pregnant anyway.
At first we felt it was our miracle baby. However, 15 weeks later, Andy is now “sure” the baby isn’t his. I have never been unfaithful. A paternity test will prove he’s the father, but that can’t be done until after our baby is born. — PREGNANT AND ALONE ON THE EAST COAST
DEAR PREGNANT AND ALONE ON THE EAST COAST: First off, congratulations on your upcoming baby-having. I know that you and “Andy” had always wanted a kid, so that’s pretty cool, I guess.
I hope you can understand why “Andy” would be concerned that the baby would be another man’s. He has viewed himself as a non-baby creating man. Now he has made one. That is, as you might have noticed, the opposite of what he was expecting to happen.
Maybe you can distract “Andy” so that you will not have to discuss this anymore. For instance, you could buy the latest season of the television program “House.” With each episode lasting almost an hour, you are sure to have nearly a full day of not discussing your possible infidelity. You could also attempt to distract him with shiny objects. “Andy,” like most people, love shiny objects. He can’t possibly accuse you of inappropriate baby-creation if he is busy staring at his reflection in a spoon.
If all else fails, go on “Maury.” Then, when the paternity test shows that he is the father, you can scream “I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!” Plus, winning an argument on daytime television for the unemployed and elderly to see will definitely give you the leg up in any future disagreements.
Happy He-hoo-he-hoo-he-hooing and then pushing,
DEAR NATHAN: I am 11. My mom is engaged to a man who I think is a wonderful person, but she always questions whether he’s cheating on her. She’s 37. Personally, I think she won’t get another chance like this. Their wedding has been postponed three times because she thinks he’s lying to her.
I don’t think she realizes what she’s got. When I ask her if everything is OK between them, she says, “Everything is fine, and if it wasn’t, it would be too complicated for you to understand.” I just want them to live happily together. What should I do? — OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW IN ALABAMA
DEAR OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW IN ALABAMA: I can’t imagine this. A mom doesn’t want to tell her 11 year-old daughter about her love life? What is this world coming to? Next thing you know, parents will no longer talk about any of their personal life with their preteens.
I know a lot can happen in eleven years. For some species of animals, that is an entire lifetime. Since you are (I am making an assumption here) a human, however, you are still just a kid. Kids are notorious for being dumb. Maybe once you have reached an age where you don’t want to have ice cream for dinner or think that the best book ever written is Charlotte’s Web, your mom will take your opinion seriously.
You should really let your mom marry someone when she feels she is ready. Besides, you should be too preoccupied with the Disney Channel to even know what is happening with your mom.
Happy elementary-school graduation,
DEAR NATHAN: I’m 16 and want to have my ear pierced a second time. Despite my mother’s reluctance, she took me to get my ears pierced when I was 9. My friends have all gotten multiple ear piercings. All I want is to get the cartilage on my right ear pierced, but Mom and Dad refuse
Mom says that any piercing other than one in each ear looks “trashy” and people will think unfavorably of me. I don’t see the big deal. It’s not like I want my nose or navel pierced. I just want one little stud, and I’d pay for it myself.
I’m a respectful and honest girl. I have always brought home good grades. Mom says I’ll have to wait until I’m 18 and out of her house. I don’t understand why she won’t let me get this done. My best friend’s mother, who is stricter than mine, let her get her cartilage pierced. What do you think? — NOT ASKING FOR MUCH IN ILLINOIS
DEAR NOT ASKING FOR MUCH IN ILLINOIS: I can understand your predicament. I once wanted to have an object forcefully stabbed through a part of my head. My parents would not let me do it either. Parents can be real jerks.
The best way to get your ear pierced is to hatch an elaborate scheme. I would recommend faking your own kidnapping. Then, when you return, your mom will be so happy to see you, she won’t even notice that you have an extra hole in your ear.
If this doesn’t work, try holding something for ransom. Take your mom’s favorite thing in the world, most likely some sort of decorative plate, and threaten to use that plate for your morning toast and eggs. She won’t want that, so she might be willing to bargain. A Thomas Kinkade plate is just stupid if it has caked egg stuck to it.
If all else fails, you can just pierce your own ears. Then you would probably get a bottle of those neat antibiotics they give people who have infected wounds. Everyone at school will call you “Puss-ears,” a nickname that is, no doubt, used with love and not malice.
If you have problems feel free to ask for my advice. As you can see, I’m very good at it.