It can be very hard to keep up with all of the Super Bowl’s happenings. You might miss something while you get your fourth helping of cheese dip. What if there is a line for the bathroom? You could miss one of the most amazing, unforgettable moments in sports history while you’re trying to contain your tinkle.
There are a lot of chances to miss something.
Fortunately for all, I am keeping track of all of the Super Bowl’s most important moments. I’m just generous that way.
Check back here to see the most important Super Bowl moments:
2:04 p.m.- I turn on the TV just in time to see a bald guy in a white jacket sing a song I don’t enjoy. I kept waiting for him to get tackled, but apparently that action is being reserved for the ACTUAL game.
2:11 p.m.- I officially stop caring about the pregame. I consider taking a nap.
2:23 p.m.- Bob Costas interviews New York Giants’ quarterback Eli Manning‘s parents about his brother Peyton Manning. Eli, no doubt, throws a bit of a temper tantrum in the locker room, complaining that his “stupid brother always has to hog the spotlight.”
3:00 p.m.- Costas mentions Peyton out-shadowing Eli again. Eli kicks a locker and mumbles something about Costas being “not fair” and how he should just take the ball and run away forever.
3:04 p.m.- Costas interviews the reanimated corpse of Madonna about her halftime show. He slips a subtle reference about the Janet Jackson nipple fiasco in, just to see if Madonna has anything crazy planned. She responds by saying she has never seen Janet Jackson’s performance, most likely because she was busy sucking the life force out of another being at the time.
3:24 p.m.- The first advertisement of NBC’s “The Voice.” Word on the street is it airs right after the Super Bowl. I’m sure this rumor will be confirmed at some point throughout the evening.
3:33 p.m.- President Barack Obama is interviewed, giving his thoughts on NFL football. He proves himself to be incredibly bipartisan, refusing to predict a winner. He is willing to admit that Tom Brady is very good looking, though.
3:37 p.m.- Obama goes out on a limb and says he deserves a second term as president. I would vote for him, but he clearly isn’t decisive enough to make the tough calls, like Giants or Patriots.
3:45 p.m.- We’re warned not to worry that the Patriots haven’t come onto the field to start warming up yet. Naturally, I assume that they are stranded miles away and are doing their best to hitchhike to the game on time. And, yes, I am very, very worried.
4:13 p.m.- Since the last time they talked about it, NBC has not cancelled “The Voice.” It is still slated to come on after the Super Bowl. For those less interested, you can catch the end of “El Diablo, El Santo, y El Tonto” on Telemundo instead.
4:19 p.m.- Patriots’ Defensive Tackle Vince Wilfork says he can beat Tom Brady in a foot race. That may be true, but there’s no way he could beat him in a Dreamboat Contest.
4:38 p.m.- My wife and I go to the store for some pop. I didn’t learn anything about the Super Bowl, but I did get to hear the Village People. That counts as a win.
4:50 p.m.- The man on the radio tries to ignite sibling rivalry while interviewing Eli Manning. This time, Eli goes fetal and says he needs his “coachy Tom-tom.”
5:18 p.m.- Kelly Clarkson sings the national anthem accompanied by a group of teenagers in polos and a drumline. Its fantastic and you can pick up your national anthem polo tomorrow on NFL.com.
5:26 p.m.- The Patriots call heads and win the toss. They insist on keeping the coin, saying they “will totally hit that vending machine later.”
5:38 p.m.- The New York Giants first drive ends with a punt that lands on the five yardline. The Giants’ punter gets unnaturally excited. Maybe he won a bet with the punt. Otherwise, he is the most excitable unimportant football player of all time.
5:42 p.m.- On the first throw of the game, Tom Brady gets called for intentional grounding and the Giants get a safety. The next minute or so is spent explaining what a safety is to my wife.
5:51 p.m.- The Patriots force a fumble, only to be called for having too many players on the field. The Giants score a touchdown, leading 9-0. The Patriots tar and feather the teammate who should have been off the field, then insist that player “called in sick today” and they “have no idea where he might be.”
6:02 p.m.- The first quarter ends with the Giants ahead 9-0. I celebrate by eating more cheese dip and hoping it doesn’t eventually kill me.
6:05 p.m.- On third down, Tom Brady nails one of the Giants players in the face with a throw. This does not help, but Brady is sure to tell the story of the face-pass for years to come. After a field goal, it is 9-3.
6:14 p.m.- Steven Tyler of Aerosmith is shown in the owner’s box. He is wearing leopard print. He looks lost and confused. He probably thought he was going to the leather pants store. Big disappointment for him.
6:26 p.m.- I just found out Patriots ‘ Wes Welker has a mustache. I have officially found a new favorite player.
6:30 p.m.- Another good Giants punt leads to another inappropriate punter celebration. He might need a sedative.
6:37 p.m.- Dallas Mavericks’ owner Mark Cuban held an adorable puppy that moonwalked across the finish line of a race. I’m not sure what product the ad was selling, but rest assured I’m buying 12.
6:48 p.m.- Tom Brady throws a touchdown pass to end the longest drive in Super Bowl history. Unfortunately, it was not to Wes Welker’s mustache. Now I’m a bit bummed out.
6:51 p.m.- The first half ends with the Patriots up 10-9. Now the countdown to Madonna pretending to be 20 begins.
7:01 p.m.- Madonna is pulled to the field by, what appears to be, the entire cast of “300.” She then makes my ears sad.
7:14 p.m.- The halftime show ends with a message encouraging world peace. Ironically, this message leads to a war, with other countries attacking America just to rid the world of that “scary 80’s singer lady.”
7:18 p.m.- Clint Eastwood voices an inspirational commercial for an automotive company. I almost tear up, but I know that isn’t how Eastwood would handle the situation. Instead, I mumble a profanity and punch a wall.
7:28 p.m.- Tom Brady passes Joe Montana for most consecutive passes completed in a Super Bowl, also sets record for dreamiest eyes. After a touchdown, Pats lead Giants 17-9.
7:39 p.m.- The Giants kick a field goal. The score is 17-12 New England. I find out we’re out of Mountain Dew. I cry a little.
7:53 p.m.- Bear Pasco catches a pass, wins the award for manliest name.
7:56 p.m.- Another Giants field goal makes it 17-15.
8:02 p.m.- The Giants get an interception. It wears out the defender so much, he receives oxygen on the sideline. Brady feels sad and asks for his comfort Snuggle.
8:19 p.m.- On third down, the Giants receiver is essentially tackled while trying to make a catch. Coach Tom Coughlin screams, “My dear referee, I do believe that was pass interference. I beg thee to reconsider the call as this does not seem correct.” The refs do not reconsider and the Giants punt.
8:31 p.m.- Announcer Chris Collinsworth says a Patriots receiver makes a catch “100 out of 100 times.” This is right after he drops the pass. Collinsworth clearly doesn’t understand percentages. Anyways, the Patriots have to punt with just minutes left in the game.
8:38 p.m.- The two minute warning hits with the Giants about to take the lead. Its really a nail biter. Specifically fingernails. Toenails or actual metal nails should not be chewed on.
8:44 p.m.- The Giants Ahmad Bradshaw scores a touchdown giving the Giants the lead. Eli picks up a sign saying “Suck on This, Peyton.” He will get grounded for that.
8:49 p.m.- Tom Brady gets sacked on third down. With 39 seconds left, the Patriots are behind by four.
8:53 p.m.- Tom Brady throws an incomplete pass to end the game. The Giants win the Super Bowl, but Tom Brady gets to go home with his super model wife and spend some time bathing in his money for the next few months. I guess it could be worse for him.
9:05 p.m.- The trophy is brought to the field. All of the Giants players kiss it as it goes by. Clearly they are not worried that one of their teammates might have mono.
9:11 p.m.- Eli is asked how it feels to win in Peyton’s stadium. He politely says, “Shut up about my brother and give me my trophy.”
- Blog Buffet: Super Bowl XLVI Edition (mediumjoe.wordpress.com)
- The Bull’s Picks for Super Bowl Xlvi (rattleandhumsports.com)
- Diatribe: Super Bowl XLVI Facts To Think About. (diatribesandovations.com)
- Patriots Vs. Giants, Super Bowl 2012: Legacies On The Line For Pats, Giants (boston.sbnation.com)
- Super Bowl XLVI: The Rematch (tampa.cbslocal.com)
- Tom Brady vs. Eli Manning – Which Hot Super Bowl Quarterback Gets Your Pick? (popsugar.com)
- Super Bowl XLVI pre-game coverage and interviews on NBC (examiner.com)